From natural instinct to relentless obsession

When your partner mentions an amazing sexual experience they had with their ex (or not so amazing sometimes), it’s natural to feel some discomfort. Too much information!

But if your partner’s past begins to feel like an obsession, you may be in retroactive jealousy territory. You might find yourself envisaging their past all the time and making mental comparisons.

Trying to shift the thoughts and overcome the horrible feelings, you might find yourself constantly asking about a specific experience or ex. Or getting angry and resentful, trawling social media or snooping on messages, doubting your partner all the time.

Partners feel shamed and resentful of all this – of course they do. Retroactive jealousy puts our minds and our relationships in gridlock.

What’s going on?

Retroactive jealousy can be experienced as a form of Relationship OCD. A big part of OCD compulsive behaviour is internal: the overthinking, fretting and trying to figure it all out. And the questioning, assurance seeking, checking and researching are compulsive too.

Is retroactive jealousy always a form of OCD? Not necessarily. Relationship problems, sexual difficulties, past trauma and personality type can also be in the mix.

Effective therapy for retroactive jealousy

Therapy begins with understanding and clarifying what the obsessional doubt is – the ‘what if‘ or ‘maybe‘ that’s underpinning all these intrusive thoughts and images of the past. Because they aren’t random.

Then we’ll identify the reasoning and past experiences that arrived you at this doubt, and the ways it has been pushing you (and your partner) around. Through cognitive experiments and insight, we work to dismantle the doubt so the compulsions feel unnecessary.

There are some doubts you just don’t need to be having.

Too many good relationships hit the wall due to retroactive jealousy and resentment about the past. Overcoming it can be challenging, but it’s an opportunity to grow, to stand on your own two feet emotionally and actually experience a better connection moving forwards.

In recent years, retroactive jealousy has become something of a specialist therapy for me as it combines intrusive thoughts, obsessional struggle and relationship dynamics.

If you take a look at my blog, you’ll see lots of retroactive jealousy posts as I’ve developed my approach and shared insights.

The good news: as disorientating and sabotaging as retroactive jealousy is, you can break the spell. You can live in the positive reality of your relationship – and your own mind.