From natural instinct to relentless obsession

When your partner mentions an amazing sexual experience they had with their ex (or not so amazing sometimes), it’s natural to feel some discomfort. Too much information!

But if your partner’s past becomes an obsession, you’re in retroactive jealousy territory.

You might have constant, intrusive thoughts or mental images of what your partner did. You might feel anxiety, resentment, disgust or even anger at their past.

Trying to shift these thoughts and feelings, you might find yourself asking questions or confronting your partner about their past. Or trawling social media, constantly researching or thinking about their past for hours on end.

Partners feel shamed and resentful of all this – of course they do. Retroactive jealousy puts our minds and our relationships in gridlock.

What’s going on?

Retroactive jealousy is often a form of Relationship OCD.

A big part of OCD compulsive behaviour is internal: the overthinking, fretting and trying to figure it all out. And the questioning, assurance seeking, checking and researching are compulsive too.

Is retroactive jealousy always a form of OCD? Not necessarily.

Sexual difficulties, past trauma, perfectionism and Obsessive Compulsive Personality can also be in the mix.

Two ways to work through this

Some people want to work through retroactive jealousy privately, before or instead of therapy. Past Tense is my self-guided course that provides exactly that.

Others want to work through it directly with me, in face-to-face therapy or over Zoom.

Here’s what these options look like:

Past Tense: my retroactive jealousy self-help course

Therapy for obsessional thoughts about your partner's past

Therapy begins with understanding and clarifying what the obsessional doubt is - the 'what if' or 'maybe' that's underpinning all these intrusive thoughts and images of the past. Because they aren't random.

Then we'll identify the reasoning and past experiences that arrived you at this doubt, and the ways it has been pushing you (and your partner) around. Through cognitive experiments and insight, we work to dismantle the doubt so the compulsions feel completely unnecessary.

There are some doubts you just don't need to be having.

Breaking the spell

Too many good relationships hit the wall due to retroactive jealousy and resentment about the past. Overcoming it can be challenging, but it's an opportunity to grow, to stand on your own two feet emotionally and actually experience a better connection moving forwards.

In recent years, retroactive jealousy has become something of a specialist therapy for me as it combines intrusive thoughts, obsessional struggle and intimate relationship dynamics.

If you take a look at my blog, you'll see lots of retroactive jealousy posts as I've developed my approach and shared insights.

The good news: as disorientating and sabotaging as retroactive jealousy is, you can break the spell. You can live in the positive reality of your relationship - and your own mind.