9 tips to tackle premature ejaculation

Couple laughing and happy in bed

I’m forever telling guys what not to do in bed, what doesn’t work. Don’t hold your breath, don’t clench your PC muscle, don’t bother with herbal supplements, etc.

So here are nine things you CAN do to last longer in bed. Actual ways to overcome premature ejaculation.

We begin with solo training

#1 Deal with penis sensitivity

If you’re sensitive to touch down there, and it’s a trigger for over-excitement, penis root masturbation is way to go.

Then gradually introduce more stimulation as your confidence and tolerance builds. The more sensitive you are, the more this is for you.

#2 Masturbate without porn

I know, this has an element of don’t do that – put the porn down. But it’s a DO something too. Focus on the sensations in your lower body.

Notice those tensions in your PC muscle and pelvis, creeping up on you as you get closer.

You can’t do this if you’re distracted by porn. That’s just getting off and missing a no-brainer opportunity to become sexually adept.

If the prospect of masturbating without porn feels too much of an ask, you have even more reason to do it.

Can you expect to bring your A game to partnered sex if you’re not present during solo sex? If you regularly dissociate from how arousal actually feels for you?

I’m not being all anti-porn here. I’m not saying it’s caused you to come quicker – but it could be keeping you stuck.

#3 Move with a relaxed pelvis

When we’re self-pleasuring, we tend to be static. Laying back, sitting or standing. Our hand is doing all the work, essentially.

Then we get with a partner and it’s all different. We’re moving, thrusting, maintaining a position. There are tensions and angles that we just don’t experience on our own. We haven’t trained for this.

I show guys, on my video course or in therapy, how to move their hips, their pelvis with minimal tension. There are exercises you can do solo to emulate sexual positions.

Thrusting when you’re masturbating feels a bit ridiculous, it cannot be denied. So these exercises don’t require you to do that.

You’ll learn about optimal positions too. The standard advice about laying back with your partner on top doesn’t really help for a lot of guys, so get to know the positions that do.

#4 Learn how to reset your excitement on demand

There are ways to calm your arousal during sex, while still moving. Stopping and starting with long pauses isn’t necessary.

We all need to take a break now and again, but stop-start stop-start stop-start gets old, especially for your partner.

You’re going to use your breath and relax all the way down through your pelvis, quite instantaneously. I teach a technique called the cooldown, and it’s effective within seconds once you get the hang of it.

Control on demand‘ sounds horribly cheesy, I know, but that’s essentially what it is. ‘Gamechanger‘ sounds even worse, but there I said it because it’s true.

#5 Deal with erection problems

Men who experience PE often experience ED too. They have low confidence in their erections, so they’re in a bit of a rush.

A double-whammy of ‘quick before it melts‘ and ‘oh no I’m coming already‘. That’s stressful.

Get erectile issues treated first. Go and see your GP, get a health check, consider medication if your doctor agrees.

With more confidence in the erection department, the timing issue is often resolved too. Or you can realistically work on lasting longer, having addressed one thing at a time.

You’ll get so far with solo training and relaxation – it’s all good

But we want to bridge the gap from solo to partnered pleasure.

It’s demoralising if you do all these things and now you’re masturbating for 20 minutes, and you look forward to showing your partner your new abilities. Then sex lasts 40 seconds again. And it can, if we don’t bridge the gap.

#6 Talk with your partner, open up

PE feels awkward and deeply private. Men feel it’s very much their problem to address by themselves.

To conceal from their partners even. You know that keeping going when you’ve come already situation? Not sustainable, I think you’ll agree.

Your partner knows there’s a bit of difficulty going on, but it’s awkward for them too. So talk about it together.

How you both feel, what you’d like more of, how you can help each other. This lifts so much of that pressure and gets you both more in sync.

#7 Schedule sex

Initiation is a big part of the performance anxiety that leads to PE. We’re talking pressure again.

Guys want to be spontaneous, which can be very sexy. But unless you have a rejection fetish, awkward and timid initiation isn’t very sexy at all.

Men who struggle with PE might rely on delay sprays and pills and things that make spontaneity even more challenging. Again, how can we expect to relax into sex with all this stuff to think about?

So as part of communicating about sex, schedule it. Agree on later today or tomorrow or Saturday morning or whatever. Then there’s positive anticipation for you both, not mind-reading and hoping and stress.

#8 Take the focus off intercourse

Enjoy giving and receiving pleasure with oral, hands, fingers, toys – and not just as foreplay. Make something other than intercourse the main event for a change.

This is really common advice for good reason, yet guys push back on it. ‘But we want intercourse, my partner enjoys it‘. Yes, we’re not taking it off the menu.

The message isn’t ‘you come too quickly for intercourse so get used to other things‘. It’s ‘take the focus off intercourse now and again‘ to lift that performance pressure and that pass/fail attitude towards sex.

And do look at toys together: a vibrator or something to bring extra stimulation. There are so many options. Again it’s not ‘you come too quickly so we need to replace your penis with a thing with batteries‘.

It’s enhancing, playing, getting past that ‘I have to deliver all the orgasms‘ pressure. 

#9 Acclimatisation – understand it and do it

It sounds like a no-brainer: commencing intercourse really slowly. The speed, angle, depth of penetration. Start small and slow for a few minutes.

Now you might be thinking ‘that sounds even more teasing and stimulating – how am I going to do that?‘. And yes, you’ll experience initial waves of pleasure, big ones. But you’re more likely to ride them out and settle into intercourse.

If you plunge straight in and go for it, you’ll get even bigger initial waves and then you’re into stop-start territory again, teetering on the brink of ejaculation.

Know this: most men, whether they’ve struggled with PE or not, find that after two or three initial waves (even big ones), their arousal and excitement will plateau.

It’s like ‘oh, I’m doing this now‘. That’s where we want to get to, and we can if we acclimatise to sensation. It bears repeating: penetrate slowly.

So there we have it. 9 doable, proven things.

It’s not an exhaustive list – I could go on (opening our focus, micro-pausing, neurostimulation patches) but I’m trying not to drone on in my blog posts. That’s going against nature for me.

Try these things and persevere a bit. See my other videos and my course for more guidance.

And remember: get sufficient sleep and exercise. Get those stress levels down outside the bedroom. And speak with your doctor if you have any concerns about your health or sexual health.

Relax your pelvis, tackle ED, communicate and slow down. I hope this gives you some positive pointers, if you’ll pardon the pun.