People come to therapy with intrusive thoughts about their partners. Persistent doubts, chewing them over day and night.
Is this person right for me? Can I trust them? I don’t love some of the things I know about their past, is this telling me something? Are they settling for me, or am I settling for them?
Or is it ME – obsessing and overthinking everything?
Well it might be. There’s such a thing as Relationship OCD (ROCD) and Retroactive Jealousy, obsession with our partner’s past.
Is that what’s going on here? Is there any real evidence to back up these thoughts? We’ll start to explore this in therapy.
And then occasionally, things take a different turn.
My client comes back, a while later perhaps, and their situation has changed. They’ve caught their partner cheating. And now they’re feeling hurt and betrayed, of course.
So maybe their intrusive thoughts WERE trying to tell them something? It wasn’t an irrational obsession – their doubting instincts were correct.
Or it was a coincidence? Obsessional doubts AND a partner who couldn’t be trusted? Just bad luck?
Either way, now they’re going to have more trouble trusting in the future.
So in the first couple of therapy sessions, we try to ascertain whether it is ROCD or retroactive jealousy as best we can. We consider any signs of these doubts might be legitimate.
Could my client even be in a toxic or unhealthy relationship – one they’d be best out of? Here are some of the things we look out for.
The nature of the fears
Obsessive compulsive type fears tend to fall into two categories:
- Something bad is going to happen
- Something doesn’t feel right
With retroactive jealousy, something about the past doesn’t feel right – or feels downright wrong and intolerable.
The thoughts and doubts tend to be general when we really examine them.
What if they cheat on me? What if I’m not as fun or successful or as good in bed as their ex? What if I can never get my head around their sexual past?
There’s a hypothetical element to these questions, I think you’ll agree?
Now don’t get me wrong – these general worries can feel massively urgent when they strike. They can put us in fight/flight mode and have us doing all kinds of things. Our imaginations can absolutely get hold of these scenarios and torment us for hours on end.
That’s the nature of OCD, ROCD, retroactive jealousy.
Whereas, if the fears are more specific and present-orientated, they might be more telling.
What if my partner is spending a bit too much time with that girl in his office? What if my partner keeps disappearing for days on end? What if they keep getting angry at me and acting a bit controlling – what’s that about?
These are different kinds of fears – they are suspicions. They can set us off into fight/flight, but usually we can park them too. hmm I’m going to watch that, let’s see if I notice that again…
Nagging doubts that feel serious but not urgent panic stations.
It’s quite ironic that the kind of thoughts that feel less obsessional and urgent might actually have more foundation. In the therapy room, I’ll ask if there’s any evidence.
The patterns of the problem
People struggling with ROCD or retroactive jealousy have often had similar thoughts and feelings in their previous relationships.
They’ve noticed a pattern, it seems to keep happening. It might even be why past relationships ended.
Or they’ve noticed obsessive compulsive tendencies in other areas of their lives. Rigid perfectionism at work maybe, needing things to feel right. Sometimes latching onto social interactions after the event and finding something they said or did wrong. Over-analysing things.
Perhaps this obsessive worrying has latched onto their relationship, their partner, their partner’s past. In the absence of evidence, it’s a strong indicator that this is OCD doing what OCD does.
Is the partner on board?
People with ROCD and RJ aren’t easy to live with. The questions, the checking, the mood swings. It gets old pretty quickly.
But people often tell me that their partner is supportive. “They want to understand, they want to help me with this.” This is positive and it bodes well.
The partner might actually come along to a therapy session, to see how they can help without giving the assurances that are part of the problem. We might put some kind of Ulysses contract in place, to support the relationship while therapy progresses.
But sometimes I hear the opposite. “No my partner just refuses to engage at all, or they just get angry with me, or they take themselves away for long periods of time…“. hmmm.
Like I say, OCD can be intensely difficult for partners – I get it. But these kinds of reactions, a lack of empathy or unwillingness to help, could indicate that there are foundational problems in the relationship too.
ROCD or retroactive jealousy might be going on, but it’s not all on you and your thoughts. We should take this into account in therapy.
The takeaway: we can make safer assumptions
We need to sufficiently assess the triggers, thoughts and fears – without getting sucked into the content and the rumination.
Then we can make the safe assumption that yes, this is ROCD or your retroactive jealousy OCD, and let’s work on that. Let’s take that leap of faith and try some cognitive or exposure work.
OR let’s consider whether your partner is giving you some cause for concern here. Actively, in the present. Shall we talk about some couples therapy, do you think they’d be up for that…?
Most often with these situations, we are talking OCD in some form.
No amount of therapy can guarantee that the relationship will thrive and the partner will always be trustworthy, of course. These are universal uncertainties, and OCD therapy is about accepting and living well with them.
Getting our sensitivity to these thoughts and feelings down, and spending less time in fight/fight/freeze. Then we can trust our instincts again, and make better evaluations of our relationship.
We’re not aiming to make everything feel certain, or make sure your relationship with this person works out. But when you’re not being pushed around by your thoughts, your life is vastly better either way.