Alan booked a therapy session with me, and he was upfront right from the start.

“Look, I know about retroactive jealousy and the obsession with bodycount” he said. “And this… need to keep asking your wife or your girlfriend about their past. That is 100% not me.”

“That’s positive” I say.

“I know” says Alan and he started to smile. “And there’s more good news: my girlfriend is the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met.”

“So she’s a keeper then?” “She is!” says Alan, proudly.

“She’s wonderfully passionate too” he says, “and I love that…”

Then his expression changes. “But… I don’t want to know how passionate she’s been before…”

“Before… you?”

Alan shudders. “Look she’s 42 years old, of course she’s had a life before me… but she really doesn’t need to tell me about it!”

“hmm. Have you told her that?”

“Sort of, but I don’t want her to think I don’t approve – because it’s not that. I’m not a prude. I just dread hearing about it. Any mention of her past now and my blood runs cold. It’s like I’ve got a phobia, I’m terrified of hearing, knowing any more.”

“I’m also not jealous!” says Alan. “I don’t wish it had been me.”

He pauses. “This is so difficult… I’ve even thought about ending this perfect relationship. Sometimes she opens her mouth to say something and I just want to run…”

I can see how conflicted and sad Alan is feeling.

Not jealous, but anxious

The ‘jealousy’ in retroactive jealousy has a broad definition: a sense that my partner has done more than me.

I might feel like I’ve missed out or it feels threatening, or just wrong, or even disgusting somehow.

This feeling is sending Alan into flight mode and putting his relationship at risk. What are we going to do about that?

Retroactive jealousy: three therapy options

Option 1: We talk about boundaries

Maybe we help Alan communicate to his girlfriend – with love and light – that she needs to stop going on about her past adventures.

“I love that you’re so open and sensual, I really do. But let’s focus on US now.” Something like that.

This makes sense. But it opens up further difficult conversation. She’s going to say “Oh OK, I’m sorry – is there something wrong?” and what does Alan say to that, feeling the fear that he does?

It might set a boundary in the short-term, but it’s a precarious solution. It puts the onus on his girlfriend to not trigger him. He’s not really standing on his own two feet.

Option 2: We treat this as a kind of phobia

Retroactive jealousy often feels like an irrational fear, and it can be treated with exposure therapy.

Like gradually putting your hand in the jar with the spider, gradually exposing yourself to your partner’s past. Imagining her talking about it, or deliberately thinking the name of her ex or recalling something you’ve been told. And getting better at not reacting.

Maybe. But retroactive jealousy is more like OCD than a phobia.

We’re not just avoiding the thing, but we’re spending lots of time thinking and worrying about it. And stressing about why we’re so stressed and what it all means. This is obsessive compulsive, and the thing is some aspect of our partner’s past.

Exposure therapy has been adapted from phobias to OCD. We call it ERP, exposure and response prevention.

We’d identify the core fear. For example, she’s had better experiences before so she’s going to get bored, or all her friends know and they’re laughing at me.

We’d get the anxiety down with repeated exposure to whatever the feared scenario is. Our nervous system starts getting the message that the past isn’t such a threat and we become less reactive.

This kind of exposure might be a hard sell to Alan right now, but it’s an option.

OR option 3: We understand a bit more about why her past is so scary

What are the felt consequences of hearing about your partner’s past?

Maybe she has more experience than me, or she enjoyed casual sex. Or we might bump into an ex. So what? What does it say about her, this relationship – and most crucially, about me?

In other words, what story is Alan telling himself here? What fear or insecurity in Alan is being provoked?

I’m not enough, she probably goes for a different type, I missed out on those kind of experiences, it’s so unfair… whatever the self-doubt might be. Chances are, he’s told himself this story for a long time. And it predates this relationship.

Alan said to me “I’m a late developer. I’m catching up sexually… but have I got time? What if my girlfriend is talking about her past and bang – she realises how much better she can do than me?”

Alan is less experienced, and he’s self-conscious about that. Maybe he’s been hurt before. He’s made comparisons between himself and other men.

He’s arrived at the kind of obsessional doubt that blocks the reality of how appreciated he is and how much potential there is: in this relationship and in himself.

I asked Alan “When your girlfriend hints at her past experiences, does she say they were better?”

“No absolutely not! She’s actually very complimentary about me. And I can feel it when we’re together.”

That’s the reality. But Alan isn’t letting himself trust. It doesn’t feel enough, and the obsessional doubt, the old story fills the void.

For so many of us, this has been a lifelong thinking habit. Especially when sex is concerned. And we’ll ruminate and pick out bits of evidence from our past to back it up.

So this signposted a route for us: understanding why Alan had this doubt, the old story about himself that he was so desperate to stop coming true, and trusting the information coming into his eyes and ears and his… body a bit more.

No need to expose himself to her past, and no need to fear it either.

Why do partners want to tell us anyway?

Another bit of understanding that sometimes helps in these situations: why is my partner so keen to tell me about their past?

It could be that she or he is just an open and sexually confident person.

But let me share a secret with you, something all couples therapists know. We tend to chose a partner with the same level of vulnerability or insecurity as us.

Their feared story about themselves might be different and their doubts show up in different ways. But they have them. And when we’re fixated on our struggle, we don’t see it – and our partner looks like the confident, functioning one.

Alan had a sense of this, when he didn’t want his girlfriend to feel judged or shamed for telling him things. Maybe she wanted that bit of assurance, maybe she’s been hurt before.

We can only speculate, but Alan can trust this sense too. It helps remind us that there are two people’s psychologies going on here. Alan’s doubts weren’t the only story in town.

In these Too Much Information situations, Alan can still gently steer the conversation back to the present. But no need to do it out of fear or desperation. If anything, more out of respect for why she feels the need to tell him.

Him hearing her and coming back to us might be all the validation either of them needs.

If any of this resonates with you, I hope it’s helpful.

If you find yourself taking the brace position every time your partner starts a story – it’s probably not a phobia. It’s probably not a random fear either. There may be a story at work that’s getting old.