Retroactive jealousy is hard – really hard – on partners.

You’re being asked or confronted about your past again. How many times? Did you enjoy it? Was he or she better than me? Were you attracted to them? Why did you tell me about it? Why didn’t you tell me..?

As a therapist working with RJ, partners contact me out of desperation. These impossible conversations, these no-win situations, they can’t go on.

And it is no-win.

You give answers and talk openly about your past, it’s not what your struggling partner wants to hear. You try to shut the conversation down, it aggravates your partner even more. You adjust the story to what they want to hear (even if it sells out your integrity) and they still drag it up again.

Retroactive jealousy ends relationships through all this interrogation, mood-swinging and shaming.

So if you keep finding yourself in this horrible situation, here are some quick tips (and a few ground rules):

Setting boundaries: how much to share about your past

There comes a point in a relationship where it’s healthy to get an idea of each other’s sexual past.

Though not on the first few dates. If you’re getting asked too soon, consider this a red flag.

But as we get more invested in the relationship, it’s all part of knowing who we’re with. Some people care more than others. Some people share their past more than others.

Honesty is good policy here – but it’s completely up to you how much or how little you share.

You might be very specific about your bodycount or just give an indication. You might say, respectfully, “My past is my business. Take me as you find me, without judgement and with the same respect I’m showing you.”

And then your partner can accept or back right out. Your past is yours, and it’s your right to set boundaries around what you share and when.

Unwavering authenticity: own your choices and your truth

If your partner doesn’t like what you tell them, or won’t leave it alone, stick to your truth. Don’t adjust it or apologise for it.

Sometimes when I speak with partners trying to navigate all this, they explain or justify their past to me: “I shouldn’t have done it, I was young, that guy wasn’t great, I know that now…”

You don’t need to justify your past experiences to your partner. It’s a slippery slope; their retroactive jealousy will chip away at your self-worth if you don’t hold onto it.

If you have regrets, share them if you want. But don’t be pressured into it. There’s a crucial difference between genuine regret and being shamed into regret by someone else.

Sometimes as partners, we regret the way we shared something. Realising that maybe we’ve been insensitive. A joke that landed the wrong way, or maybe saying something in frustration or anger. We all miss the mark sometimes.

An apology for how you said something, rather than what you shared, is a sign of maturity and respect.

Know the gotchas of retroactive jealousy

If your partner struggles with retroactive jealousy, they’ll be feeling pretty conflicted about asking all these questions. They know it’s intrusive (if they don’t, another red flag IMO).

But they are seeking your assurance; some relief from the obsessive doubt and torment in their minds.

It’s often a form of OCD compulsion. It’s not about you specifically; but about their anxieties and doubts. All this focus on your past just feeds the rumination and the questions keep popping up in their minds.

So it can sound like a plea for help. “I know I shouldn’t ask, just one more time, for once and for all…”.

Or things can get accusational – there’s a lot of emotion in retroactive jealousy. “If you really loved me, you’d tell me. You’re ashamed to tell me. If you don’t care, you must be getting it from someone else..!”

Ouch – what was that? Obsessional doubt making all kinds of leaps and theories.

This cannot be accommodated. It’s essential for both partners to recognise that this is retroactive jealousy kicking off, and to agree a plan for handling flare-ups.

Calmly hold on to your integrity

This will feel counterintuitive – unfair even – when you’re being bombarded with loaded and often ridiculous questions. But boundaries are made through integrity.

By being honest about your sexual past (on your terms), you’re showing your partner respect. You’re saying “This is me; I value you knowing me. I respect that you don’t need me to sugar-coat, pretend or prop you up. I want this level of intimacy with you.”

When this comes from your best self, a worthy partner will recognise it. He or she might struggle to process, might have doubts, might have retroactive jealousy. That’s their opportunity to address it and work on it themselves.

Or a partner might want to respectfully distance and move on, that’s their prerogative. But they won’t persist in using your past against you, or shaming you, or otherwise abusing the respect you’re showing them.

Sometimes retroactive jealousy has partners pitting their integrity against yours. “It’s my values making me question you, I’m doing this because truth is everything to me”.

There’s a level of irony and narcissism here, and it’s another red flag if it keeps being thrown at you.

When to walk away: prioritising your wellbeing in an RJ relationship

If your partner has retroactive jealousy, he or she can benefit from your empathy and support.

I’m not suggesting you go all defensive and say “This is me, I enjoyed every minute of it and if you don’t like it, you can do one”. Not quite those words anyway.

It’s not “I don’t care what you think” – it’s “I value you, I’m on your side but I’m holding on to who I am. It’s not my responsibility to fix your retroactive jealousy, it’s for you to address it”.

Ultimately, if your partner can’t tolerate that they weren’t your one and only or some detail around that, then be prepared to move on. This isn’t about issuing threats, but prioritising your wellbeing.

Likewise if you’re being threatened or abused (physically or emotionally), shamed, gaslit, controlled. You’re best off out of it.

Breaking the cycle: empowering your partner to heal

Remember that retroactive jealousy is experienced as a cycle:

• some kind of trigger
• difficult thoughts and feelings
• reassurance seeking to feel better (including the questions and accusations)
• then feeling better until the next time

If your partner is working to break out of this cycle, you’re helping them by not going along with it.

Be prepared to disengage from conversations and situations that break these boundaries.

And if there’s really no effort or ownership on your partner’s side, disengage from the relationship and seek support for yourself. Turn to trusted friends, family members or a therapist to help you heal.

Retroactive jealousy feels like cruel gridlock, with the pressure on you to keep giving way. Things get moving in the right direction when the partner experiencing RJ has a word with themselves and steps up.

You help that process by sticking to your truth and by holding onto your integrity. I hope this is helpful.