ChatGPT, Gemini, Deepseek… AI can do a lot of the things a good therapist would do. Within seconds, on demand, for free.

I see this with my therapy clients. When they’re in the grip of retroactive jealousy, and the thoughts and urges about their partner’s sexual past, they’ve turned to AI. And it’s helped.

Things can go wrong too, like when the chatbot is in super-agreeable mode.

I spoke with a guy who’d told ChatGPT he’d been picturing his girlfriend with her ex. He shared his doubts of ‘what if she still thinks about her ex, what if I can never be sure..?’

And ChatGPT replied with “You’ve been giving this a lot of thought – that’s fantastic! Would you like some suggestions for a breakup script…?“

Let’s look at some examples of AI really coming through – and some possible OCD pitfalls too.

AI as a first responder for retroactive jealousy

It’s 2AM and Lucy can’t sleep. She reaches for her phone and opens ChatGPT.

“I keep imagining my boyfriend with his ex, and seeing how pretty she is and how much he was into her. I can’t stop thinking about them together and it’s ruining my life…“.

ChatGPT does a bit better this time. “Ah” it says, “that sounds like it might be retroactive jealousy” and it summarises the symptoms in a really empathetic way.

This is an OMG moment for Lucy. These looping thoughts and feelings are a known thing.

That’s helpful, right there. Lucy feels less alone, she understands what she’s experiencing.

Connecting the past: how AI uncovers patterns

Charlie has noticed these kind of thoughts creeping into every relationship he has.

“Who’s she been with before, was she into them, what hasn’t she told me..?” – even with his first girlfriend when he was 16 at college.

Now he’s in an amazing relationship. This girl ticks all the boxes. And Charlie’s having the thoughts again but he’s determined not to let RJ derail this relationship.

So he tells AI about this pattern, and it does a great job of joining the dots to some of his early experiences. Specifically around the time his parents split, and one of his parents relied on Charlie as a bit of a confidante – even though he was 8 years old.

Thanks to AI, Charlie knows about anxious attachment and pattern-matching and how it shows up in other areas of his life. This has been genuinely helpful, and AI gave it to him straight. He didn’t need psychoanalysis or psychobabble.

AI as a partner for RJ skills and strategies

Ed was interested in exposure therapy (ERP) for tackling relentless thoughts about his wife’s past. Deliberately engaging with the thoughts and the feelings without acting on them. Being able to sit with the unknowns and let the discomfort pass.

This made sense to Ed and he’d watched my video about how to do ERP as self-help. But coming up with exposure scripts on his own proved tricky (it can be).

So he turned to AI: he explained what he was trying to achieve, and asked AI to write some imaginal scripts based on his own triggers. The results were uncannily spot on and useful. AI is great at creating scary stories.

Sometimes the ERP scripts that AI comes up with need refining. It tends to add reassurance at the end (‘and then I felt calm and remembered how every day she chooses me…‘) – that kind of defeats the object. I like exposure to be more uncomfortably open-ended, no escape hatches. But it still does a great job.

And other approaches too: AI knows all about CBT and I-CBT and other therapies for intrusive thoughts and RJ. AI can give you a personalised way to actually get going with these methods and techniques.

So lots of wins there, lots of ways AI can help. But it can backfire too.

The pitfalls of AI-powered reassurance

Matt keeps thinking about one of his wife’s exes. It’s all in the past, but certain reminders keep setting him off: anything about basketball, anything to do with Denmark and actually, any male liking or commenting on her Instagram posts.

He’s got better at not confronting his wife in these moments (‘are you sure you don’t prefer sex with him?‘) – but he keeps AI in the loop instead.

“Should I be worried about this guy’s comment?“, Matt types. “Are Danish men good in bed?“.

He does it every time he’s triggered, and ChatGPT does a pretty good job of saying “No, I don’t think you need to worry about that… there’s no evidence that Danish men are better in bed – even if they are some of the tallest men in the world…“

Phew, thanks ChatGPT!

I’m sure you can see the problem with this. Matt is still assurance seeking. He’ll keep monitoring his wife’s socials, he’ll think about basketball, and he’ll ask AI again… and it goes on and on.

For another guy I spoke with, ChatGPT had correctly told him that he was having retroactive jealousy thoughts. So he trained it to tell him this every time he asked it – which was often.

Is that compulsive – and ultimately unhelpful? Yes it is.

It’s a bit like having a partner or friend who says “This is your OCD!” every time you question something. It may well be true, but it’s still assurance seeking. It’s still a ritual, whatever answer you get.

The core question: is AI for insight or for reassurance?

If I’m talking to AI about how I feel about my partner’s past, am I doing it a) to get informed or b) to get reassurance, to fix my feelings in the moment?

If I keep going back to ChatGPT – ‘what about when she said this? would other people worry about this?‘ – I train my brain that I need to keep explaining and exploring these thoughts. What we focus on, we amplify.

If you’re doing this, maybe ween yourself off by venting the thought into a journal or record it on your phone – for 2 minutes max. No AI, no audience, no feedback. Get used to parking it that way.

Whether we’re working with a therapist or ChatGPT, the conversation has to turn more to the process of retroactive jealousy (how these thoughts are coming up, what we’re doing with them) and away from the content (what today’s worry is, or what our partner did or didn’t do).

Otherwise we just give the thoughts more oxygen. With the help of AI, let’s do less of that.