I’ll never catch up! Sexual FOMO and retroactive jealousy

Here’s a common worry expressed in my therapy room: what if I haven’t had enough sexual experience?

I think I’ve missed out

Sometimes it’s a vague feeling. Other times, it’s more specific: I’ve never had a threesome, a one-night stand, a wild and spontaneous sexual encounter.

We can all relate to such fleeting thoughts, I think. But for some people, it becomes a relentless, nagging obsession.

Sexual FOMO can be a major part of retroactive jealousy (RJ) or relationship OCD (ROCD) too—impacting your confidence, your outlook and your relationship.

And you missed out because..?

When people express this worry, I often ask: is there any actual evidence that you’re sexually inexperienced?

Some common answers:

“I was a late developer, then went straight into relationships.”
“I’ve been in long-term relationships without much time in between.”
“I’m in a great relationship now, but that window of opportunity for wild experiences never came.”

Sometimes, it’s about comparison:

“My partner has more sexual experience, and I feel behind.”
“Maybe I’m the stable guy women settle down with after they’ve had their fun—and I resent that.”

Other times, it’s linked to confidence:

“I struggle with sexual performance—more experience would have fixed that.”

Sexual FOMO comes up in a few different forms, and it’s usually about both them and us: I’m with someone who had these experiences, and I didn’t.

When resentment creeps in

When these doubts become obsessive, they begin to affect our relationships. Our attempts to find certainty and put these feelings to rest have the opposite effect.

For example, you might find yourself interrogating your partner:

“How many times did you do [X]?”
“Did you enjoy it more than with me?”
“Was it better back then?”

You’re almost hoping they’ll say it was disappointing, so you feel reassured. That’s classic retroactive jealousy behavior—seeking relief from intrusive thoughts through reassurance.

But instead of finding closure, the doubts grow stronger. You end up living in a narrative where you’re not enough and stuck in that narrative—full of resentment and self-doubt.

And nothing your partner says is going to resolve it.

So this missing out means..?

To help people explore the doubt, I ask: if this fear of being inexperienced were true, what would it mean?

Common answers:

“I’ll always have to live with this regret if I stay loyal in my relationship.”
“My partner will eventually see through me and realise I’m sexually inept.”
“I’ll forever feel unfulfilled—I never lived up to my sexual potential.”

These imagined consequences feel huge and heavy, almost existential sometimes. All fuelling the RJ fire.

Should you act on FOMO?

So, what’s the solution? Leave your relationship to catch up on missed experiences?

Some people try this, but it rarely goes to plan. And they lose a meaningful relationship in the process.

Here are two solid therapeutic approaches that can actually help:

1. The exposure approach

You’re having intrusive thoughts. Bully thoughts that don’t need to be pushing you around. Can you get better at not reacting to them, feeding them?

Exposure work helps you get better at experiencing uncertainty without being emotionally hijacked by it. Here’s how:

Lean into the uncertainty:
Instead of arguing with the thought, you practise sitting with it:
- “Maybe I’ve missed out, maybe I haven’t.”
- “Maybe I’ll be forever unfulfilled.”
- “Maybe my partner will discover I’m a sexual impostor and people will laugh at me.”
  By making the worry sound more absurd, it loses some of its sting.
Turn down the emotional response:
The goal isn’t to convince yourself that you haven’t missed out—it’s to stop being so emotionally reactive to the doubt itself.
Stay with the feeling:
Instead of scrambling for reassurance or distraction, you let the worry pass through you. Over time, this reduces the emotional power the thoughts hold.

2. The cognitive approach

This method is about dissecting the story your mind is telling you.

Retroactive jealousy loves to cherry-pick evidence that confirms your ‘ineptitude’:

“I’ve never had a one-night stand or a threesome – FACT.”
“I didn’t enjoy a wild phase – it’s TRUE.”

But it ignores the full picture:

“I’ve had plenty of meaningful, connected sex.”
“My partner is sexually attracted to me now.”
“I’m still having great sex—and there’s more to come.”

You can also explore what feeds your FOMO narrative:

Those painful crushes and rejections as a teen?
Locker room banter?
Media portrayals of sexual ‘success’ that make you feel inadequate?

Our aim is to recognise how your mind distorts reality—giving more weight to a handful of perceived ‘gaps’ in your experience, while ignoring everything that’s working.

Including the sexual relationship you’re in now.

Working with the doubt itself

Don’t forget: RJ is driven by doubt.

“I know this is irrational, BUT…”
“I’m worried this MIGHT be my problem…”

The goal isn’t to chase after reassurance or ‘prove’ you’re sexually valid.

It’s about recognizing this as doubt—not a fact—and working on your relationship with the doubt itself. It’s a stuck thought that’s serving no purpose.

Moving into present reality

What do you really want? A one night stand with a guarantee that it’ll be a positive experience? A threesome that brings all your fantasies to life?

Then the thoughts will fall away and you can start enjoying your relationship?

Or do you want to break free from the doubt that’s undermining your self-worth?

Let’s work on this

You don’t have to be stuck with these FOMO feelings. In fact, it’s an opportunity for a bit of positive work on yourself.

Stepping out of the old story and into the reality of your relationship is liberating. Enjoy the experiences available to you in the here and now.