Is retroactive jealousy – that nagging, relentless distress about our partner’s intimate past – always a form of OCD?

Not necessarily. Here’s an example of it being something else.

Kelvin’s frustration

Kelvin didn’t particularly want to talk with me, but said he was doing it for the benefit of his wife.

She doesn’t see her past the way I do, he said. She had these casual experiences when she was in her early 20s. And OK, she’s admitted that, he said. But she insists that it doesn’t trouble her, and it shouldn’t trouble me. This is really bad for our relationship.

So she should feel the same about it as you do?

Well yes and she knows it. I tell her I’m not comfortable with what she got up to. She says it’s irrelevant but it’s not – it shouldn’t have happened as far as I’m concerned. Can’t she just acknowledge that?

I think for a bit. So this is on her?

Well yes, he says – she DID it. Don’t get me wrong – our values are in order in many ways. We agree on most things, she’s a good mother with our kids. But we don’t see eye to eye on this, and it’s a significant issue.

The only thing she regrets is telling me, she says that. But it devalues her and it devalues us as a couple.

Why Kelvin’s retroactive jealousy ISN’T OCD

hmm. What’s going on here? We can call it retroactive jealousy – it’s kind of a catch all term for struggling with our partner’s past.

But with these unwanted thoughts and an apparent need to put things in order, does Kelvin have OCD? I’m not thinking that way.

Does he have a point? I’m not thinking that either.

Something is different here. I do some digging: so how does this situation make you feel?

Immensely… frustrated, he says. It’s as if she won’t see what’s right from wrong – or won’t admit it for some reason.

I do everything by the book, he said. No skeletons in my closet. I work hard, we’re financially very secure. But if she won’t align on this, what’s it all for?

Kelvin isn’t really focusing on the details of his wife’s past. Which is positive, I guess. But he’s obsessing over their values not feeling aligned. Their relationship, their home is all in order, but not this part and it frustrates him no end.

But that’s not the reason why I don’t see OCD here. He doesn’t see any of this as problematic on his side. He’s right, as far as he’s concerned, he has the moral high ground.

His problem is his wife won’t agree – or apologise or show regret for her past. And she doesn’t have to, IMO, for what it’s worth.

With OCD, we have some awareness of where the problem lies. I know this is irrational. I know I’m overthinking this. But I’m having intrusive thoughts, I’m really struggling to put this idea down and I’m doing compulsions – ruminating and asking and seeking assurance. I’M doing this.

Kelvin doesn’t like the situation but he sees his wife as the problem. At times, the conversation felt like can you help me find some way to bring her round‘. To get more control over her, in other words.

Now we have to be careful with diagnosis. It’s not my business, we work with the person in front of us. But it was important for me to rule out OCD here – otherwise I’d be offering Kelvin a therapy that probably wouldn’t fly.

But could it be OCPD?

In the back of my mind, I’m thinking more along the lines of OCPD – Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is quite a common ‘disorder’ – estimated to affect 2-8% of the population and mostly men.

Now I should say that, like most of these disorders, it has a rubbish name. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder makes it sound like OCD and it isn’t.

And I’m not a fan of ‘personality disorder’ – I think of it more as a ‘type’. But I do recognise that whatever label we use, it’s a thing.

In a nutshell, people with OCD have unwanted thoughts that feel bad, leading to compulsive behaviours or overthinking to try to resolve the thoughts and feel better.

People with OCPD are more preoccupied with orderliness, things being ‘right’ (including them) and control.

And it tends to pervade all areas of their lives – work, homelife, relationships. OCD thoughts are more about specific themes, specific obsessions.

People with OCD usually have more awareness and they feel conflicted. That’s part of the bad feeling – it feels irrational at the same time. People with OCPD tend to feel bad because they aren’t getting their way – and their way is right.

OCD tends to be more acute – when it’s kicking, it’s kicking hard. OCPD is less debilitating – less time ruminating and doing rituals perhaps – but OCPD can still tie people up in knots. The obsession with order and things being done right can suck the pleasure and the purpose out of activities – and out of relationships.

Some other potential indicators of OCPD:

• Lots of lists, notes, schedules and details. A rigid perfectionism and inflexibility about the way things should be done.
• Often we see OCPD types excessively devoted to work and productivity. Kelvin made a couple of mentions of all the hours he spent in the controlled space of his home office. Sometimes an obsession with saving money too.
• Often a reluctance to ask for help or delegate, because things need to be done ‘the right way’. Certainly a reluctance to have therapy.
• A tendency towards hypermorality and black-and-white thinking. Authorities, experts, podcasters who align with our views and values are revered – and anyone that doesn’t is dismissed. So it feels much more black-and-white than the the doubts of OCD.

And just like all these things, OCPD is a spectrum. We might recognise some of this but not all of it. We can be a bit this way inclined, to varying degrees of stress and difficulty.

Both OCD and OCPD can wreak havoc with relationships and partners. People with OCPD can feel more difficult to empathise with – why do you need to be right and and control all the time, what’s wrong with you? – but people with OCPD have a vulnerability just like people with OCD do.

People with OCD are doing and thinking things to try to resolve their doubts, people with OCPD are tying to guard against having them.

And just to complicate things even more, it’s possible for OCPD types to have OCD too.

Working with OCPD, not against it

Now I didn’t say to Kelvin: have you heard of OCPD? Because I think you’ve got it… that’s not my job and it would take a full assessment to make that diagnosis. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not.

But I worked more on that basis. Sometimes it’s a hunch. Because therapy for OCPD is more about managing than overcoming.

If there’s past trauma or attachment difficulties, we may well work on that. But we’ll aim towards strategies for recognising when we’re pushing too hard on orderliness and ‘correctness’. And having ways to cope with such situations, day to day.

Trying to dispute or argue with Kelvin’s views and feelings wasn’t going to help, so quite similar to treating OCD in this respect. We talked more towards being able to hold two viewpoints at the same time, and how Kelvin could use his obvious intelligence in this way.

That’s an idea we often try to introduce. It sometimes speaks to people with OCPD; there’s a certain correctness to the concept.

Does it always work? No. Does it ever work straight away? Not in my experience. But we build the strategies around that and see what sticks.

Luckily, on this occasion, Kelvin did give more flexible thinking a go. Because he wasn’t void of empathy and he did value his wife and his family.

But learning how to agree with his wife to differ on this aspect of the past was key. Consigning it more to the past and having this agreement in place could feel like putting it in order. It worked for him, and hopefully Kelvin is out there applying it to other situations.

It’s about recognising and getting better at living with OCPD tendencies, and more flexibility can develop over time.

So here we have something else underlying retroactive jealousy. And it’s not either OCD or OCPD – there are sometimes other explanations too. But that’s enough for today. I hope it was helpful.