Guys often say to me: “All this thinking and stressing about my wife or my girlfriend’s sexual past. I don’t know why I do it really… because our sex life is great.”

Yep – retroactive jealousy is selective like that. In the very best of times, it can find something to fret about.

BUT a lot of guys say to me: “Our sex life isn’t great. Or we’re barely having sex at all. She’s not interested, I always have to make the first move, it’s super awkward. And then these thoughts hit me about her sexual past.“

A common problem – and retroactive jealousy thrives on it

Mismatched sex drives, the ick, dead bedrooms. Often, it’s complicated.

And it can inflame retroactive jealousy: obsessing over what we know or don’t know about our partner’s sexual past. If she was up for it then, why not now? Is it because of what she did then, or who she did it with? Or is it me?

Simon was in exactly this situation. “Every time I think about sex with my wife, and the lack of it – my mind goes there. Trying to make a move, often having to back off and stifle my desire because she’s tired or doesn’t want to. My mind locks on to the men she slept with when she was younger.“

This situation – this sex problem – triggers retroactive jealousy and kind of justifies it too.

“She must be thinking about it, wishing she was back with those guys. And she’s never going to admit it was better than with me, no matter how much I ask. We’re stuck like this. Me obsessing, her holding back and just humouring me every now and again. It’s a nightmare.“

There’s reasoning going on – it’s right there in Simon’s words and thoughts. Her refusal adds to the evidence. And now he’s in gridlock with her, and in his own mind.

But is it rational?

As a well-meaning therapist, I could say: “Oh come on Simon. You’ve been married for 8 years. How likely is it that your wife lays there having maintenance sex with you twice a year, thinking about her exes? And as for it being ‘because’ of her exes… you two have a difficulty here – a really common one – but it’s unlikely to be about her past….“

I could say that but it won’t help. Simon has tried to tell himself that.

His theory is possible, in the abstract. We can’t prove she isn’t thinking about the past, any more than we can prove a meteor isn’t going to land on Simon’s head.

Instead, I ask Simon what else his RJ says to justify the theory. Let’s give it the mic.

This comes very easily: “I know things – she’s told me. She dated a basketball player, good times for her, she wants more of that. Look at me, I don’t compete with that, this girl has a basic instinct and I’m just going along with it…“

Simon looks up. He wishes there was a cast-iron guarantee this stuff isn’t true, and I can’t give him that. Nobody can, his wife can’t. And arguing with the voice – oh come on Simon – isn’t helpful.

I ask Simon whether him and his wife acknowledge the problem.

“We do“, he says, “and I try to be understanding. But when she brushes me off, I can’t help it. I say to her : ‘you wanted it before, I know you did.’ It’s a low blow, I know, but I can’t help it and she just shuts down completely.“

hmm I get it. What’s with the basketball player? “Yes… I’ve googled him, he’s 6’4, super confident, he’s all over Instagram…“

Untangling the story

Let’s park the basketball player for now. We have two problems here: their sexual disconnect and Simon’s retroactive jealousy.

Both problems are meshed together. These comparisons that Simon is making hurt him, and she knows he’s doing it and it turns her off even more.

Actually make that 3 problems: their communication too. Simon is asking for more sex but shaming his wife in the process. And she’s shut down.

How retroactive jealousy hijacks sexual intimacy

Simon thinks his wife (and her sexual desire) is stuck in the past with the ex. This doubt is obsessive, he thinks about it all the time.

And he’s pretty certain he’s got the evidence: she’s not having sex with him.

In therapy, one way or another, we want to steer his thinking more into the here and now. One way to do this is understand HOW he arrived at the ‘she prefers her past to me‘ theory – and reasoned that a basketball player was something to do with their sexual impasse. All without arguing with it.

I’m probably not going to suggest exposure therapy. These problems are too fused together for Simon and his wife, and he’s thinking about her past ALL THE TIME.

Me saying “Hey, try thinking about basketball as an exposure. Then let’s work up to picturing your wife having sex in the middle of the basketball court. Slamdunking etc…. and then don’t ruminate on it, let the thoughts pass.”

He’s already doing this and his distress levels aren’t going down.

But we can get clear on how the retroactive jealousy story formed: bits he knows about the past, things she’s told him, 6’4″ and why he thinks that’s relevant (I can probably guess), memes about ‘players’, things he’s heard about the irreversibility of dead bedrooms, his own vulnerabilities about himself (“look at me“, he said), and yes – this no sex situation.

All snowballed around ‘it’s possible‘.

See what a powerful, compelling narrative this makes? It’s taken him over. But it’s not the only story in town.

Can we consider some alternative explanations, reasoned in the here and now? I think we can. So taking a more cognitive approach, we have ways to dislodge the story, the obsessive doubt, without directly challenging it. That’s how we break the spell.

The sexual disconnect: what’s really going on?

Why does Simon want more sex with his wife?

Well duh. Because he’s a man and she’s his wife and they should be having sex. Yes.

But why does Simon NEED it right now? To relieve his anxiety? To help reassure him that his relationship is OK and he is desired? To shut down these thoughts about the basketball player? To feel validated in himself? We’ll look into it a bit.

These are all natural needs, but if we rely too much on her sexual interest to assure us of these things, to feel valid – we’re vulnerable. There’s a saying in couples therapy: when sex is good, it’s 10% of the relationship. When sex is bad, it’s 90%.

I say to Simon: “Let’s say that you and your wife are having more sex, and it’s all good. Do you think these worries will fade away?“

“Well yeah, probably“. And what if – for any reason, as it happens in long-term relationships – you two go through a difficult patch again. “Is he going to come back and haunt you? Will you be able to resist resurrecting him?“

Simon pulls a face and I make my point. “It’s a lot of pressure isn’t it? And you both know this, and it’s not sexy.“

And there are these doubts about ourselves too. If Simon can stand on his own two feet emotionally and soothe his own anxieties without relying on his wife for reassurance (sexual or otherwise), he’s in a better place.

If he can hold on to his own worth – even in times of awkwardness – he’s in an even better place.

We can build up his sense of self in therapy. Then he’s less needy and it’s a better look all round. We’re all a work-in-progress in this respect.

The answer to Simon and his wife’s sex problem isn’t compromise. It’s not for her to say “Oh ok, every two weeks then – I’ll try my best if you stop dragging up my past“. That’s not sustainable, nobody really grows from that. We can do better.

Rebuilding communication (without the assurance-seeking)

The conversation needs to change. For Simon to be able to calmly ask his wife what she likes – and doesn’t like – when they have sex. To be genuinely curious this time, not accusational.

For him to be clearer on what he wants from sex, and to be able to say it. When we take reassurance seeking off the menu, we can build on this conversation as partners, not defensive, scared, gridlocked adversaries.

Sounds like a lot of work? It can be, but Simon is doing it. We can work on his obsessive doubt and build up his emotional independence at the same time. It works well because these things are connected.

His wife told him he’s a bit different already – in a good way. He’s calmer and less reactive to her mood. Their conversation is changing; its got some room to grow. They are on the way to having more sex. yay.

From gridlock to growth?

A sexual impasse is exactly that. Maybe not in the form we’d chose, but still an opportunity.

And a retroactive jealousy problem is an opportunity for self-development too – and to remain connected with our partners.

And a relationship getting out of gridlock and being better for it. These are the realities, as hopeful as they may sound at the outset.

Thanks to Simon for giving me permission to share. If any of this resonates with you, work on the doubts, the retroactive jealousy. It is doable.

And as part of this work, consider what you’re really wanting and needing from your partner – and from sex. How much wanting her VS how much wanting reassurance?

We can get better at standing on our own two feet. And that doesn’t mean becoming all independent and moving away from our partner; it means we’ll actually get closer.