So we have a problem. An obsession. A relentless mental struggle with some aspect of our partner’s past.

And we google it and we come across retroactive jealousy.

And as an explanation of what we’re going through, retroactive jealousy ticks a lot of boxes:

• Intrusive thoughts – yes.
• About their past, usually before we even met them – yes.
• Concerning something sexual that they did, or the person they did it with – yes.
• The thoughts and obsession driving us nuts – absolutely yes.

But there’s something that doesn’t quite fit: I don’t feel jealous

When I speak with people struggling with these thoughts, this is a common observation.

I don’t really wish it had been me. I don’t think my partner’s going to do it again. Jealousy is wanting what someone else has got – that’s not the feeling for me.

I get it. People often describe the feeling more like this:

• I just feel angry or a bit disgusted by what I know.
• It crushes my ego, I feel belittled by it.
• I can’t tolerate my partner downplaying their past. Why would they lie to me?
• I feel conflicted, because I’m not a judgy or misogynistic person. Yet I find myself looking at my partner and thinking ‘damaged goods’ or ‘slut’. And I feel really bad about myself for thinking like this.
• Or it reminds me of my sexual struggles, I feel insecure.
• Or I’m just always thinking about this particular detail. Picturing a scene, replaying it over and over in my mind.

So yes – the word ‘jealousy’ is a bit of a misnomer

It does apply sometimes. I’ve spoken with people quite fixated on how they might get their numbers up, to catch up with their partner’s bodycount.

Or always thinking that as long as they stay in the relationship, they’ll never have all the experiences their partner had. That’s a form of jealousy.

But either way, remember that the term retroactive jealousy isn’t official. It’s not a psychological term or diagnosis.

A lot of experienced therapists aren’t familiar with this term. It came about from discussions on social media, about 10-12 years ago.

But if you describe what you’re experiencing to a good therapist: the relentless thoughts about your partner’s past, the horrible feeling whatever that is, the urge to fix it or say something or seek assurance or run away. They’ll say “oh yes – I know what that is. It’s OCD“. And it most often is.

Especially if you’re prone to obsessive thoughts around other things – maybe completely unrelated things. Or you’ve noticed these same thoughts in previous relationships. Bingo.

This is good news because OCD is very treatable

It’s not fun, I know. It can be debilitating and deeply frustrating. But it is treatable and there’s a lot you can do to help yourself.

This article isn’t a diagnosis, of course. You should speak directly with a therapist about that. One that knows about OCD and ideally, Exposure and Response Prevention. That’s a proven and effective therapy for treating ‘retroactive jealousy’ OCD.

The term retroactive jealousy is helpful, after all. It gives us a name for this disorientating mental struggle. And hopefully, a realisation that you’re far from alone with it.