Generally speaking, sex therapists are porn-positive.

Ask a sex therapist for their take on watching porn and, chances are, they’ll say it’s a form of safe sex that lets you explore your desires and discover what you really enjoy.

This therapist agrees.

But porn can be problematic too. A bit addictive, don’t you find? Or not super-compatible with your relationship.

Sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein recently wrote a blog post titled ‘Arguments About Porn Aren’t About Porn‘.

He’s great. I’ve learned a lot from his wisdom over the years, particularly his book ‘Sexual Intelligence‘. I’ve borrowed a fair few of his ideas too.

In a nutshell, Klein says then when couples argue about porn – and millions of them do – it’s typically a woman telling a man that she’s unhappy with his porn viewing. And the man goes on the defensive.

But actually, they’re arguing about their relationship. Their tiredness, their lack of communication or intimacy. Their shared sex life being flat or non-existent. And the insecurity or sexual difficulty that one or both of them experience.

And even when porn is part of the problem – he leaves it around the house or he’s way too into it – Klein suggests it’s still about them and their relationship. Porn is not the problem, per se.

But often, it is about porn

Yes, I’ve worked with guys whose girlfriends or wives said “I don’t like porn and I don’t want you watching it.” And they were reacting to some problem in the relationship, or imposing their beliefs about porn. Or both.

But I’ve also worked with guys whose girlfriends or wives had a point. It was about the porn. And his compulsive use of it.

Take the guy who’s exhausted because he watches porn on his phone half the night while his girlfriend sleeps upstairs. Or watches it in his car or when he’s working from home.

So what, we might say. That’s up to him.

Let’s say he’s struggling to be sexually interested or present with his wife or girlfriend. He’s irritable or distracted, or exhausted or has erection or ejaculation difficulties.

Ah well that’s about his difficulties, we might say. He’s probably masturbating to porn to distract himself from these difficulties, or as a substitute for partnered sex. Not a positive situation, but it’s not about the porn

What if his masturbation to porn is actually causing some of these difficulties? Or it’s getting in the way of him doing anything about it?

Maybe he’s been compulsively using porn in some form or another since he was a teenager. He’s tried to stop or cut down and it hasn’t worked. I speak with men in this very situation.

Ah in that case the problem is his porn addiction, we could say. It’s still not about porn, per se.

Well in my therapy room, this leads to conversations about porn.

Not so porn-positive

I’m not going to moralise or shame him for looking at porn, of course. But we will be working together on some actionable steps to watch less of it. To disengage.

And maybe to reintroduce the novel concept of enjoying self-pleasure without having porn coming in through his eyeballs.

And we’ll talk about porn itself. The ways that porn goes all out for our attention – playing with taboo and hyper-realism and novelty. The ways that the channels and tube sites do the same with their algorithms.

Of course they do, it’s an attention economy. And it works a bit too well sometimes.

Educating vs demonising porn

Klein says that blaming porn for clueless or hostile behavior is naïve and futile. “It’s like blaming the NFL or CSI crime shows for ‘capturing’ our attention and ‘encouraging’ poor behavior” he says.

I agree. We’re educating about porn rather than blaming or demonising it.

But I do want to make the point that for a lot of guys, particularly those that started out watching masses of porn as adolescents, masturbating to porn is more entrancing and compelling than TV shows or even the NFL.

Porn is pretty unique in the way we interface with it, and the producers and channels know that.

When we’re making some inroads, we’ll consider what needs our guy was trying to meet with porn. And how he might start getting these needs met in his relationship, in his day-to-day life.

We need to address the habit first

I make this point because it sets the priorities of therapy for a lot of men. They brought their habit to their relationship; it’s usually that way around.

That’s why I’m a sex positive and porn-ambivalent therapist.

And it’s working with men – resourceful, intelligent men who found themselves hijacked by the stimulation and novelty of porn – that’s made me less positive about it.

Anti-porn crusaders tend to blame porn for everything, and overstate its power over our minds and bodies. I’m more libertarian than that, but I think us libertarians – and porn-positive sex therapists – might not quite appreciate the negative impact.

Some people are better off without porn coming into their eyeballs, period.

Dr. Marty Klein is right: couples’ arguments about porn are often missing the point. But sometimes, the significant other does have a point. A good starting point, at least.

If you’d like to know more about compulsive porn use, and how to have less of it in your relationship, please see my free ebook. Completely free to download, no signing up required.