Retroactive jealousy: persistent, difficult, sometimes angry feelings about our partner’s sexual past.

And then confronting them about it. Or overthinking it, for hours.

If that’s our problem, then surely the answer is… acceptance?

We love this person, we want this relationship. So we need to accept their past, whatever it might be.

But if you’ve experienced retroactive jealousy, that’s not so easy is it?

Tania’s story: when acceptance isn’t enough

Tania came to see me for help accepting her boyfriend’s past.

He had a past. Going clubbing, lads holidays in Magaluf and Ibiza, lots of girls. It was a phase of his life, he’d lived it up.

And Tania was trying hard to accept this.

But she couldn’t help thinking about those girls and how she compares. While he was having all these adventures, she was in her home town having two relationships that didn’t work out. She felt boring by comparison.

Tania hoped she’d feel more secure when her and her boyfriend got a place together, but she didn’t.

“It’s been two years now“, she told me. “And I still look up his past on social media. I still ask him about those girls. I’m asking for assurance, I know, and he’s supportive. But he increasingly asks ‘why are we doing this again?‘”

Tania sighed. “I’m so insecure…“

Tania made a real effort on the self-help front. She read about radical acceptance – fully accepting things as they are, even if that’s painful or difficult.

But then she sees Love Island or girls on Instagram and she thinks of his adventures and she judges herself. Boring, not as pretty, not much fun.

“And I judge myself for feeling this way, for being so pathetic and insecure. Then I’m judging and resenting him for sleeping around, and bringing all this to our relationship.”

“We’d be so good if it wasn’t for this, I’d be so good without all this… and I’m supposed to accept it.“

Trying the ‘Let Them’ technique

One of Tania’s friends told her about the ‘Let Them’ technique. Mel Robbins wrote a multi-million best-selling book about it, you may be familiar.

It’s about rolling with difficult realities by saying let them.

My partner, my friends, my family – they do things that bug me, anger me. They’ve done things that I’d prefer they hadn’t. (deep breath) Let them.

It’s a liberating alternative to taking things personally or trying to change other people. Let them – it’s not my problem.

“So we’re all in the car“, Tania says. “Me, my boyfriend, his best mate and his girlfriend. We’ve all been out and him and his mate are laughing about the old days. ‘Remember when we drank all those purple shots, you were on the rampage that night mate, etc…’“

“And I hate it. I feel like screaming to stop the car. But I’m internally repeating let them, let them…“

It helped for about 30 seconds. Because Tania was white-knuckling her thoughts and feelings.

The mental images of her boyfriend rampaging in some exotic resort surrounded by girls. Resisting the urge to say something, ask, push him and everyone else away.

She was holding on, letting them but not letting go. She cried when they got home. It wasn’t working.

Breaking the retroactive jealousy chain

Tania’s doubts were clear: maybe his past is too different to mine? What if he prefers those girls? What if I’m always stuck with these doubts…

Working with Tania, we observed how this plays out:

The reminder (e.g the conversation in the car) -> the thoughts (of all those girls) -> the self-doubts -> the horrible emotional grip -> the urge to seek assurance or get out.

There’s the sequence, the retroactive jealousy chain-reaction.

How are we going to break it?

Tania is trying to break it by accepting, by saying let them. Let him have his past, it’s OK…

But her doubts have already turned on herself. What if I’m boring, not enough?

This chain-reaction of thoughts and doubts has happened so many times. Let them doesn’t feel enough.

‘Let Me’: the missing piece

Being in a relationship with someone who has a past takes a solid sense of self.

And part of having a solid sense of self is recognising the things we can’t control. Let them.

We can’t change the past. We can’t avoid triggers and reminders. Love Island, social media, his mates – these triggers will happen. Let them.

But the self-doubts? We have agency over them.

These thoughts and doubts about not being enough, comparing badly to our partner’s exes – these are huge drivers of retroactive jealousy.

We don’t need to let them any longer.

Between therapy sessions with Tania, I looked up the ‘Let Them Theory’. I’d heard of it but didn’t know much about it.

And do you know what? Maybe you do. There’s a second part.

After saying let them, you say let me.

I was pleased to hear about this second bit. Otherwise let them could just be let people do anything and just be passive and suck it all up…

And this let me part fits with how we work with retroactive jealousy doubts. Tania needs to be doing this second part.

Yes, saying let them to her boyfriend’s past is rolling with the triggers and reminders. Feeling it when the chain-reaction goes off and steadying herself.

And now, let me gently recognise the here and now reality: he’s with me on this Friday night out, with his old friend and his girlfriend, we’re coming home to where we live together.

Let me get grounded in that, because it’s real, right now.

Self-doubts make me dismiss this reality, in order to push the narrative that I’m too boring, not enough, he’s getting fed up with me.

It’s a trick. Let me stay grounded instead.

And let me lean into this moment, this relationship, rather than ruminate.

“OK we’ve head enough about you two on the rampage, where shall we all go for breakfast tomorrow?“

(His mate’s girlfriend will probably appreciate that too.)

Let me be myself in this relationship. My best self. When we don’t let them first, our worst self tends to come out instead.

The same applies when Tania is on her own and has a thought about the other girls. Let them. It’s the unchangeable past.

Comparisons and thoughts about her own past and the boyfriends who messed her about. Let them. It’s past.

And now let me come out of the bubble and sense my reality right now. Let me get back to my work, go for that run, be my real self in this moment.

This idea of ‘letting them be them and letting yourself be you’ has deep roots in relationship psychology, particularly in the work of David Schnarch and ‘differentiation’.

Through therapy or self-help, we can get so much better at this. When we stay grounded and sense reality, we’re not making the space for old doubts, mental movies and rumination to move into.

There’s no here and now evidence to warrant any of that.

It’s not linear, I know. Retroactive jealousy has a few different tricks – but they are finite.

And just as Tania found over time, our sense of self gets stronger and the old doubts and narratives get… older.

By the way, since speaking with Tania, I’ve listened to the audiobook of ‘Let Them’. It’s pretty good, I liked it. I’m sure Mel will be relieved to hear that!

I hope this is helpful.