Most of us have thoughts about our partner’s sexual past.

For example: what if my girlfriend or boyfriend did the sexual thing I’ve never done? ouch.

What if she or he did it multiple times? And initiated it, enjoyed it? double-ouch.

Usually, such thoughts are occasional and fleeting. Thanks for that, brain.

If these thoughts keep hitting us, we call them intrusive. If they make us feel terrible or give us a burning need to know the answer, we call it retroactive jealousy.

Or retroactive jealousy OCD, because it can be a form of OCD. Not always, but often.

The nitty-gritty doubts that set retroactive jealousy apart

Hang on – isn’t OCD about lining things up or washing our hands a lot or safety rituals like that?

Yes, OCD takes many forms. And the retroactive jealousy form is a bit different. Often in confusing ways – for people who have it, and for the therapists trying to help them.

Take OCD worries like ‘what if I left my front door open?‘ or ‘maybe I’ve hurt someone?‘.

Compare that with ‘what if my girlfriend had an orgasm when she had a one-night stand with that guy?‘.

Quite different, isn’t it?

Not everyone with retroactive jealousy asks that exact question, but the doubts are often along similar, sexual-nitty-gritty lines.

All these ‘what ifs’ give me a bad feeling, and an urge to seek assurance in some way.

I might ask my girlfriend. ‘I definitely did close the front door, didn’t I?‘.

Or ‘can I just ask – when you slept with that guy four years ago, um… did you have an orgasm?‘.

I know I probably shouldn’t ask. Partners get tired of assurance seeking. Probing questions about their intimate past don’t land well.

But that’s the question looping in my mind in the moment. It’s the certainty I need in order to move on – or at least that’s how it feels.

Why the answer you’re seeking won’t actually help

Here’s a big difference between retroactive jealousy and other forms of OCD: what does certainty about the orgasm question mean?

Knowing and trusting that she didn’t have an orgasm, with that guy four years ago?

No. It’s knowing and trusting that it’s irrelevant.

The difference lies in our reasoning – the felt consequences of the doubt.

If my front door is wide open or I have hurt someone, I’ve got a problem. I may well be in trouble. Most people would agree.

But if she did have an orgasm, so what? Why does that feel so consequential?

People with retroactive jealousy always have an answer.

Maybe ‘it would mean she prefers that type of guy‘ or maybe ‘it means that experience will always have special meaning for her… so what we’ve got is less special…‘.

But would most people see it that way?

A lot of guys would be like ‘I’d prefer it if she didn’t have an orgasm with him, and had all her orgasms with me instead!‘.

But they would still see the irrelevance, really.

With all forms of OCD, our reasoning is off. And our imagination fills in the gaps.

‘I remember shutting the door, I heard it click. But what if it’s still open?’

‘My girlfriend is loving and trustworthy, I see that every day. But what if that orgasm four years ago means we’re not right for each other?’

In therapy, we’re not going to argue with the reasoning – it doesn’t help.

But we will work on the reasoning process. How are these thoughts getting from A to B?

We need to see the creative, imaginative tricks at work. And that helps us resolve all forms of OCD, including retroactive jealousy.