Here’s an interesting twist on retroactive jealousy: when the thoughts and mental images of our partner’s past are intrusive, unwanted, horrible… but we’re kind of turned on by them too?!

Not everyone experiencing retroactive jealousy will relate to this. But as a therapist working with RJ, I’m here to tell you it’s surprisingly common. And often hugely confusing.

Thinking about our partner’s past during sex

George contacted me and said he has OCD about his wife’s sexual past. Thoughts of ‘What if she’s had more partners, what has she enjoyed before me? Who has enjoyed her?‘ disturb him every day.

Often, he pictures vivid mental images and movies. And his mind bombards him with them right in the middle of sex with his wife.

Of course it does; sex is a trigger situation. George said the more he tries to push the thoughts away, the more they bother him.

So instead, he “goes with them“. Right in the moment, during sex. Sometimes he imagines himself in her sexual past, watching or participating, and it feels exciting. It even helps him reach orgasm.

Is it wrong to engage with retroactive jealousy thoughts?

Is George feeding his retroactive jealousy? Is he reinforcing the neural pathways that, most of the time, he doesn’t want to go down?

Sex therapists see a lot of people worried that what they fantasise about is ‘bad’ or damaging in some way. Edgy or inappropriate sexual thoughts can have even more of an erotic charge for that reason… and that can be absolutely OK. No need for shame or stigma.

But by using the content of retroactive jealousy thoughts to get aroused or reach orgasm, are we making it worse? Or are we actually embracing the thoughts in a better way? A kind of healthy exposure: a shift from disgusting! to oh! maybe I quite like this…

hmm. I think if we’re choosing to go with the images because they’re arousing – and not forcing ourselves to override our anxiety – then this could be healthy integration.

I don’t think I’d advise anyone with retroactive jealousy to try it. But if they are doing it, I wouldn’t automatically say it’s something they need to stop.

Warning signs and compulsive red flags

It’s a problem if we feel compelled to go with the thoughts. If it’s the only way to stay aroused and power through sex, or to be able to tolerate physical intimacy with our partner.

‘I have to make her past sexy‘. That’s not healthy integration.

Also, if there’s any testing or checking going on, like ‘am I really aroused by this?‘ or ‘did I have a proper orgasm?‘ or ‘what does it mean that I find it arousing?‘. That’s adding more layers of rumination and stress.

If the thoughts hit us harder after sex or make us feel even worse – no, we’re not helping ourselves here.

So there’s a guiding line: notice whether this behavior makes your RJ better or worse over time. If it’s healthy integration, you’d expect the thoughts to become less distressing and less frequent.

What about enjoying the thoughts solo?

Let’s compare this to another scenario: masturbating to her past in order to release the RJ thoughts from our minds.

Again, many people experiencing retroactive jealousy won’t relate to this (far from it). But some absolutely will.

This is more straightforward. It’s not something to feel ashamed or bad about – I can see what we’re trying to do here – but it is compulsive.

It’s acting on unwanted thoughts to try to make them go away. The hallmark of an OCD compulsion or ritual.

And it makes the thoughts more sticky. See what I did there?

The fact that we might enjoy it at some level doesn’t change that. We need to be able to let the thoughts pass without doing anything.

Retroactive jealousy and common sexual fantasies

It’s really interesting where intrusive RJ thoughts overlap with common fantasies, such as hotwife or cuckolding for example. That’s a whole other blog post for another day.

Sometimes we’re having a genuine erotic spark, and sometimes it’s anxiety masquerading as arousal. Or us trying to take control of things we know about our partner’s past that we don’t like.

Suffice to say that if you’re ‘going with the images, with the movies‘ – does it feel like it’s on your terms? Or does it feel like you need to get off to them?

If you’re struggling with any aspect of this, exploring with a therapist who specialises in intrusive thoughts and OCD can help you understand your specific patterns and find a way forward.

Thanks again to you, George, for opening up this less-discussed but very real aspect of retroactive jealousy. I hope this brief summary is helpful.