Retroactive Jealousy: the problem with past casual sex

Illustration of a young woman holding up her hands in confusion

Understand why ‘it meant nothing’ is such a trigger for retroactive jealousy – and how we start to change the story.

I’m on a Zoom call with Sam. He’s telling me about an argument with his wife.

She just doesn’t get it” he says. “We’re talking about this thing I know happened – she told me about it – this hookup with this guy before we met…

He spits out the word hookup in disgust. Sam asked her “Was it just once? Is that how you used to get off?

And she said it again. “Look it was one night, it didn’t mean anything“. He looks at me. “It was in a carpark. Pissed, giving it away in a carpark“.

I said to her “Why did you tell me about it? This is killing me…

Well why do you keep asking about it then?” she said.

Quite a lot going on there. It’s a very retroactive jealousy kind of argument and it’s horrible for both partners. It’s horrible for their relationship too, if it keeps repeating.

Casual but not forgettable

It’s interesting that when guys struggle with their partner’s past, it’s the casual stuff that’s such a trigger. The proverbial red rag to the bull.

Very few men come to me and say “I’ve got raging retroactive jealousy about how much my partner loved her ex-husband” or “about how much fun she had with the father of her children“.

It’s always the just-physical stuff. The hookups, one-night stands, sexting, flirting. There’s a reason for this.

So being reminded that it meant nothing – it doesn’t help. But I get where partners are coming from. It feels like it should help.

It’s tempting for me to say to Sam “Well, what did this guy get compared to what you get? Love, companionship, a home together, a family, a future together – compared to 20 minutes in a car park or in the back of a club or whatever..?

But then I’m holding up the red rag. “That’s the problem“, he’ll say. And it really feels like it.

Why casual sex is a retroactive jealousy trigger

There are multiple reasons why past casual sex can feel so difficult to process for guys.

Some of this is evolved: our instinct to find a partner and retain their attention feels under threat.

And comparing our return on our emotional investment in a partner. When it feels like others got a return with no investment, this plays on our minds.

Our sexual performance and comparisons with other men is a really common vulnerability too. We want to be the best she’s had.

I’m not excusing or justifying the questions, the accusations, the shaming someone for their past. But it’s all in the mix of how retroactive jealousy develops and how these compulsions come about.

Retroactive jealousy is (mostly) different for women

Women experience retroactive jealousy too, and it can be about casual sex. But it can be about ex-wives too.

Women have vulnerabilities about their sexual appeal and how good they are in bed. But bonding and emotional connection, love and attraction comes more into it. I’m generalising here, I know.

Men will say to me “I’m not happy learning about my new girlfriend’s past – but at least I managed to nail it. We went all night the first time, I really wowed her“. Women don’t tend to say this.

Women focus more on lasting appeal and being as attractive and interesting as the exes.

Identifying the doubt is helpful

Talking with Sam, we started with a so what’s the problem enquiry. There clearly is a problem, so let’s define it a bit.

Sam, what does knowing about this casual car park event call into question for you?

He thinks about it. “I feel like I’m being mugged, taken for a ride. Just one night, but how many other nights or scumbag men?

I keep it going. “And that would mean…?

Well what if I’m the type of guy who settles for it…” he says before pausing. “A lower-grade… a beta…

Aha. There’s a big part of his retroactive jealousy story.

This narrative about his wife’s past – it leads him to doubt something fundamental about himself. The casual, car park aspect means I might be a chump if I put up with it.

What came first, this narrative about himself or learning about his wife’s past? There’s a question but we won’t go there right now.

With Sam, we won’t get into whether it’s true or not either. I won’t say “Oh Sam, look you’re not a chump, look how she chooses to be with you. See how honest she is with you…

Tempting, true even. But it won’t help. It won’t stick.

Identifying the reasoning is helpful too

What we will do is consider how this RJ story, this narrative, developed. Not via Sam’s life story or his childhood. Just the reasoning that leads to this obsessive doubt about what his wife’s past says about him.

We’ll consider the RJ logic that cherry-picks specific facts (car park, scumbag perhaps) and ignores other facts (years ago, the here and now of this relationship). The values and shoulds and shouldn’ts that get mixed into the story too (shouldn’t give it away, should feel bad about it now).

We won’t debate or ague with any of this, but let’s see how the story formed. Because there is reasoning at work here.

And then some further understanding of how it’s taken such a grip on Sam’s imagination and emotions, and maybe some exposure work on it too.

Should partners say it did mean something?

Is there a takeaway for partners here? Don’t say it didn’t mean anything – even when it didn’t?

Not if that’s your truth. You don’t need to revise, defend or apologise for any aspect of your past.

But understand why a guy struggling with RJ will keep pushing back on this. You’re not at fault here, but there are better ways to have these conversations.

Changing the retroactive jealousy story

If you’re battling with RJ and these thoughts about the past, I hope this helps identify why casual is such a trigger.

And why, quite often, partners don’t fully understand why. It’s not on them to change their truth or be apologetic for their pasts.

It’s on you to address this rumination and obsession about it. This starts with some therapy or self-help, to understand how your RJ narrative developed and how we can start to change it.

Because we really can. Then there’s less of an emotional reaction, and less need for questions and reassurance. Which is quite a relief all round.

I’ll write more about making this shift, and I hope this is helpful.