When we’re wrestling with retroactive jealousy – those troubling thoughts about our partner’s intimate past – holding on to certain beliefs can keep us stuck. Or even make the experience worse.

Thinking trap #1: My partner helps me by answering all my questions

A lot of these tormenting thoughts bubble up as questions:

How many others has my partner really slept with? That ex they mentioned, how long ago was that? Was it casual sex or was there more to it? How many times did they do it…?

And they feel like burning questions. If I can just get to the truth, maybe this torment will go away.

We might say to our partners “I’m really sorry to be asking again, just tell me this one time and I’ll be done with it.”

So partners try their best. They’re not enjoying having their past dredged up all the time. But in the spirit of love and support, they participate. “OK I’m here for you, here’s your answer. Ask me anything”.

The trouble is, RJ is not a problem of not enough information.

Every answer brings some temporary relief – ah OK thank you – but it just gives the imagination more to chew on. The questions multiply and the dredging up continues.

Now I get it. For people with RJ, not asking feels really hard. And their partners are doing their best in a difficult situation.

If partners respond instead with “No enough, I’m not talking about it again”, anger, pleading and further accusations may ensue.

But for the sake of both partners, this has to be addressed. The questions and answers have to stop.

See my post about how couples can work together on this and call time on all the interrogation. This need to know is a thinking trap.

Thinking trap #2: But some of the answers do help

Guys say to me “I know I’m hurting my partner with all these questions about her sexual past… but sometimes the answers have genuinely helped. She told me with such sincerity, it really put my mind to rest. I haven’t needed to ask that question again…”

But you’re asking other questions about her past? “Well yeah, I am.”

Yes. Because every time you get an answer, your brain learns that that’s how we feel better.

It loops like this: intrusive thought, image, mental movie of our partner’s previous sex life -> feel bad -> ask for assurance -> receive assurance -> feel better for a while.

So the questions keep coming and evolving. It turns into a 10,000 piece jigsaw. OK those pieces are in place… but what about this section over here?

Nobody ever said to me “Yes, I now know every single detail about my girlfriend’s sexual past and now I feel fine”. It’s a thinking trap. These questions never help.

Thinking trap #3: Battling with the thoughts all day long

People say to me “I’ve have these intrusive thoughts all day long, from the moment I wake up. At night too. It’s hellish”. And it is.

If this is your experience, you are actively doing the thinking and ruminating. Bear with me here.

You’re having unwanted, intrusive thoughts – this is true. Mental pop-ups about your partner’s past that you don’t ask for. This bit, you’re not doing.

But then you’re running with it. Analysing it, replaying it, problem solving, trying to figure it all out. It feels relentless and unstoppable, I know.

And I sound glib and somewhat annoying saying this, I know. You’re telling me I’m doing all this on purpose? Mentally torturing myself? No, you’re not.

But it’s become compulsive. The thinking feels necessary and important. I’m saying it isn’t.

That feeling, that urgency is misleading. And learning how to stop ruminating is a key part of the therapy.

The first step is recognising when we’re doing it. Noticing when the mental arm-wrestling match commences. Accepting that it’s happening, and then disengaging – and not needing answers or assurance or tying to replace it with ‘positive thoughts’.

You have more agency over your thinking than you may realise. And we have ways to prove this.

So getting clear on where intrusive thoughts end and rumination begins. That’s essential to getting out of this thinking trap.

Thinking trap #4: Mind-reading

Not only are we constantly on the lookout for evidence and clues, but retroactive jealousy has us making big assumptions about what our partner is thinking and feeling. We fall into the trap of reading their mind.

He must be attached to his ex or he wouldn’t have those old holiday photos on Facebook. Why did she just mention that guy – she must be thinking about him?

This thinking leads to something like: my partner preferred their exes, those experiences to me. That’s their type, I’m not their type.

And often: because their ex was better in bed than me.

Leaps of imagination and assumption.

Yes, partners sometimes say and do things that don’t help. But partners don’t realise. They’re just referring to the past in conversation. Often they don’t understand why we’re so sensitive to any mention of it.

And it works the other way sometimes. My partner’s so mysterious and cagey. I know they’ve been with others but they never talk about it. They must be shielding me from the fact their ex was better in bed than me…

We have to recognise that this is rumination fuelled by doubt – and often a fair bit of insecurity.

Can we 100% know that our partner’s exes weren’t better in bed than us? No.

But our partners are with us now, so we need to engage with what-is rather than what-ifs. And learn how to roll with natural uncertainties and unknowables.

Thinking trap #5: More commitment will fix it

This is common. All these intrusive thoughts about my partner’s past are doing my head in so I’m going to move in with her/him OR get engaged, married OR try for a baby OR declare my undying love forever. I’m going to solve this uncertainty with 100% commitment.

If this sounds familiar, props to you for recognising that it is intrusive thoughts.

And for not doing what the thoughts are probably telling you to do: make your partners life a misery with questions and weirdness or dump them due to your perception of their sexual past. It’s positive that you’re not doing that.

But if you’re making these commitments to try to put your mind at rest, you’re making them compulsively. The thought of it gives you some relief, some hope. But I don’t think it’s going to work.

RJ can ease up by itself over time, as you get more established and confident in your relationship. That’s true. But if you’re going to commit to anything, make it disengaging with these thoughts.

We can’t stop thoughts popping up – we know this – but we can not get entangled with them.

It’s not easy at first, I know. So there’s therapy and some good self-help options. This is how we effectively let go of RJ.

And while you work on this, enjoy your relationship of course. Make plans, do all the things. But not in order to fix this issue. This is for you to work on.

So there we have it: five unhelpful beliefs and thinking traps. There are more, so there’ll probably be a sequel to this.

Remember: over-thinking and analysing your partner’s past, asking about it, researching it and playing detective, trying to ‘catch up’ or planning to dump them and find someone with less of a past. It’s all compulsive stuff to try to get the temporary relief that ultimately is no relief at all.

Recognising this is key, and then we can get to work on not doing any of it. I hope this is helpful for you.