This issue of obsessing over our partner’s past – aka retroactive jealousy – gets a lot of coverage in the media. It’s trendworthy because it’s about sex, secrets and jealousy.

It’s relatable too. Most of us can relate to not wanting to think too much about what our beloved partner got up to before us.

But is retroactive jealousy all a bit exaggerated?

Is it one of those trendy, made-up problems? An excuse to sell self-help books? Some vociferous commenters on my YouTube channel certainly think so.

I understand the cynicism. The term retroactive jealousy itself is a misnomer – starting with the word jealousy. It doesn’t do justice to the range of emotion and torment that people say they go through.

Remember that RJ is not an officially recognised disorder or diagnosis. And neither is the other name that gets bandied around, Rebecca Syndrome. But these are the terms we have right now.

And while I’m in cynic mode, there are RJ books and courses that are, shall we say, jumping on the bandwagon. The authors may be well-meaning, but they offer advice and cures with no evidence base: self-hypnosis, positive affirmations, that kind of thing.

At least these books and products let people know that this is a common struggle and they’re not alone. There’s some value in this.

Are we pathologising regular partner selection and values?

To get to the nitty gritty of whether RJ is a real thing: yes there are natural instincts and emotions at work.

If you want out of your relationship because you don’t like your partner’s past, that’s completely up to you. You don’t need a diagnosis or a self-help book.

Just end it respectfully. Don’t slut-shame or rub your partner’s nose in their past.

And if you find yourself saying things like ‘it’s their fault for having such a promiscuous past’ and you really believe that, then yes – end it. Be single, absolutely.

But what if you don’t want to end it – for positive reasons?

What if you love this person? But their past feels like an obsession. It plays on your mind constantly. Your partner is there for you, it’s a good relationship. But these thoughts are eating you alive.

Well, you’re in retroactive jealousy territory.

Here are a few more indicators that you might be in this place:

• Do you have a habit of getting together with someone and then finding something you really don’t like about their past? It keeps happening in every relationship – you’ll find something.
• Do you give our partner a hard time over it? You keep asking about it, you keep dragging it up? Does it bring out the worst in you?
• Do you keep ending the relationship over it, and then apologising and getting back together? In out, in out.
• Are you being hypocritical? Or obsessing about having missed out yourself on the kind of experiences they’ve had, and how you might be able to ‘catch up’?
• Are these thoughts triggering when you have sex with your partner, maybe giving you difficulties in this department?
• Are you fixated and ruminating on it night and day? Are you actually quite anxious and depressed and exhausted by these thoughts?

I have another article about the distinctions between natural discomfort with the past VS obsessive, sabotaging struggle. But these are the hallmarks of the obsessive RJ struggle.

What causes retroactive jealousy?

In psychological terms, this issue can be complex. It’s often – usually – a form of OCD. Sticky, difficult thoughts and follow-up compulsions and overthinking to try to shift the thoughts.

Sufferers have often experienced other OCD-type worries, but not always. For some, this is their first experience of being stuck in a frustrating loop of thought and feeling.

Past trauma and attachment problems can be in the mix. Narcissism perhaps – especially when it’s really hypocritical and controlling and ‘offends my ego’.

Rigid, black-and-white thinking styles and perfectionism can be part of retroactive jealousy too. This is sometimes referred to as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

There is effective treatment for all these aspects, ideally starting by reducing the mental sensitivity and rumination.

For some people, it’s ALL trendy, therapy-talk nonsense

There’s nothing going on with me… I’m just not going to tolerate this person’s past. It’s a pity but we’re done and that feels completely right.

It’s a way to go, of course it is. We’re all free to choose who we’re in a relationship with. But for people struggling with RJ, it feels much messier.

The thoughts are so difficult because they’re hijacking, sabotaging something we truly value: our partner, this relationship.

That’s what OCD does. It finds what we value most and drives a massive mental wedge right in there.

There’s my take on the matter. Yes, RJ is a thing. More precisely, it can be a few things. Us therapists are still figuring it out, along with everything else, but effective treatment is out there.

I hope this brings some clarity and rationality to a completely valid question.