Is it OK for partners to retain photos from their past relationships?

This question comes up in the therapy room, particularly when we’re talking about retroactive jealousy. Photos of exes are the proverbial red rags to the bull.

Snapchat Memories gets mentioned too. When your partner is flicking through them and good times with exes come up. If you don’t like this and you really struggle with it, are you overreacting?

Or do you have a point? Why is your partner going back there?

Well, it depends…

What type of photos are we talking here? Holiday memories, nights out with friends or nudes? For what it’s worth, I’d consider that a natural boundary for most of us.

Then there’s the amount of photos. Are the exes just popping up among all the past memories and in the group shots? Or is it a stash, a collection of ex-pics? That could be easily deleted.

Does it feel a bit secretive, a bit shady on your partner’s part? Would you both look at these snapchat memories together? You may not particularly want to, but would your partner be fine with that in principle?

This is where it gets sticky. Retroactive jealousy can have us saying “this is the rule from now on, you only look at these things with me.” That’s controlling, let’s not do that.

A positive signal, perhaps?

At this point, I’m duty-bound to attempt a positive reframe of this situation. It’s in my job description as a therapist.

Sex therapist Vanessa Marin makes the point that a lot of people don’t want to go back and look at photos of their exes, nude or not.

But if they’re fine with it, fond of these past pictures even, it suggests the relationship ended amicably.

Being with someone who can end relationships in an amicable and grown-up way is a good sign vs someone who hates every single one of their exes.

This is a worthwhile consideration. Being fond of nudes of their amicable ex is probably pushing the reframe too far, admittedly.

Also if your relationship is new and you’re in the early dating phase, some ambivalence to your partner’s past is healthy.

“OK, have those photos of your ex on your phone.” See how confident and secure that sounds.

But maybe not so appropriate in six month’s time, or while walking up the aisle.

This calls for a conversation

And the tone of the conversation may be more telling than the content.

Your partner could say “oh it’s just photos, I’m with you now, look here I am. I’m not asking about what’s on your phone“.

And they may have a point, depending on the considerations I’ve mentioned.

Now if retroactive jealousy is in the mix – an obsessional discomfort with our partner’s intimate past – then there’s going to be disparity. Our sensitivity to old photos and chats will be sky high.

One hallmark of retroactive jealousy is there won’t be balanced discussion between partners. Instead, there’s relentless questioning about these photos and exes and the past. “Are you still in touch? Do you enjoy these memories? In what way?“.

There might be demands or pleas to delete everything. Maybe extreme emotional outbursts about all this. And it goes on and on.

And it’s difficult for partners, because if they say “oh OK, if you’re that unhappy then yes, I’ll delete everything” then they inadvertently feed the problem.

The partner with RJ says “oh thank you, that really helps” but RJ is already whispering to them “see, they were up to something. What else have they got to hide… etc“.

Retroactive jealousy or your partner crossing a line?

If there’s lots of these photos or they’re nudes or sexual, or your partner really does keep going back to them in private, a conversation is appropriate.

“When you look at those photos, I feel like this about it… How can we make this work?” Two words: boundaries and respect.

But if you’re struggling with all this, and your partner’s past feels like it’s developed into an obsession, we may be in RJ OCD territory. This is about more than photos and Snapchat Memories.

Especially if you’ve noticed the tendency in previous relationships. See my other articles about retroactive jealousy and breaking these patterns. You can do it – and for the sake of your relationship, you may need to.

Unhelpfully, it could be both

You struggle with retroactive jealousy and your partner isn’t helping by having old photos of exes in their timeline. It’s possible.

They also won’t be helping you by deleting everything. Or apologising for it, or promising that they won’t look without you there or letting you check their phone.

RJ can have couples fall into these traps in an effort to keep the peace, but it only makes matters worse. There are ways to positively work together on this.

Photos of exes can present quite the dilemma, I know. But I hope this provides a steer on when to respect your partner’s past and when to set boundaries.