Retroactive jealousy has its own kind of logic sometimes. Here’s an example I hear in my therapy room:

My partner has a higher ‘bodycount’ than me. They have more sexual experience, and maybe more casual experiences. They’ve done wilder stuff than I have.

Maybe most of my experience was in loving relationships, or feels a bit vanilla. Maybe I struggle a bit in the sexual confidence department.

I’m with my partner and they’re great, but I think about this imbalance of experience a lot. I can’t stop thinking about it.

My mate said “oh don’t worry about that, it means you get all the benefits of her experience…” – but that just makes it feel worse.

So – hmm. Maybe if I get more experience under my belt. If I catch up somehow.

I’m not going to achieve that having sex with my partner, because she’s already ahead. And it’s sex with other people that bothers me, so maybe I need some of that, more of that.

Problem-solving or worsening?

I’ve spoken with clients – mostly guys – who pondered this a lot.

Sometimes it felt like FOMO: maybe I’ve got retroactive jealousy because I’m missing out. If I get more experience, it’ll go away and I’ll be all cool about the past like my partner seems to be.

Or it’s an urge, a need to somehow balance out the past and make it feel all right. I don’t really crave loads more sexual conquests, but maybe it would put us at level pegging. Maybe that would do the trick? Because I need to stop having these jealous thoughts.

And we’re problem-solvers and the plan continues to hatch. So maybe I need to cheat – get on some kind of app, perhaps? Maybe that girl at work. That could backfire though, and I don’t really want to cheat.

What about a sex worker – that wouldn’t be cheating? Hang on, am I a bad partner, a bad person for thinking all this? Or am I doing this so I can become a good partner? This is doing my head in.

Maybe I could come to some kind of arrangement with my partner? Perhaps we could open up the relationship? Just long enough for me to sleep with some other people, then we can close the loop again…

I have had conversations with people – mostly men – seriously contemplating this.

Or a temporary split for 6 months perhaps, get laid, get it all out of my system and we’re good to go again.

You’ve probably spotted some flaws in the logic.

Even with the most open-minded and loving partner, it’s quite an ask. And the kind of super-flexible partner who might go along with it is probably going to go off and clock up more experience themselves. Now there’s even more for me to have retroactive jealousy about.

‘Catching up’ is retroactive jealousy rumination

If you’ve ever wondered what a retroactive jealousy thinking trap sounds like – it’s exactly this kind of thing. A rabbit hole. This one is based on the assumption that RJ is caused by a lack of sexual experience.

The reality is that RJ OCD is a legitimate struggle: constant, relentless intrusive thoughts about our partner’s intimate past. Bringing whooshes of distress and a desperation to fix the feeling somehow.

Like most forms of obsessive compulsive struggle, a lot of factors play into it. And our own sexual experiences, or lack of them, and feelings of sexual inadequacy all feed into it to.

In other words, our sexual inexperience doesn’t cause RJ, but it’s part of our high sensitivity to these thoughts and doubts about our partner’s past.

She or he did all these things, and what have I done? It feels out of balance and we zoom in and fixate on that.

Maybe there is an imbalance of experience. That’s the case for most couples. Guys sometimes say to me “I’m no angel, I’ve played the field myself… so it all feels a bit hypocritical, but I can’t get my head around all the things she’s done. I still need to do more…”

And that’s the thing with RJ OCD: the more we obsess over it, the more it feels like the be all and end all.

Sexual difficulties feed the feeling

Maybe we’re not very confident sexually. Maybe we struggle with erections or ejaculations or orgasms.

Legitimate issues that we could seek treatment for and do something about, and be more sexually confident with our partner.

But RJ OCD puts all the emphasis on what our partner did: I must catch up with that.

Sometimes sexual struggles open up more rabbit holes. Guys have said to me “I need to be able to last longer in bed in order to fix this obsession with my partner’s past”.

By all means do some personal development, invest in your sexual skills, but not under the pressure to fix your OCD. That’s too much pressure and expectation and it’s not going to work.

What if my partner had less sexual experience?

Another thinking trap: I can’t change the past, but I can end this relationship and find someone with much less sexual experience. Or no experience, perhaps – a virgin.

Again, there’s a certain logic to this. But flawed I think. You’re ditching a good relationship, a good partner, for this?

If your RJ is underpinned by feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, I foresee a more likely outcome.

It’s not unheard of for people with RJ to do exactly this and deliberately get with someone with barely any sexual experience. Then an obsession develops over how many people they’ve kissed before, or fantasised about. RJ OCD finds an angle.

And with respect to those of us who are a little more mature, how are we going to find this untouched partner of our dreams? It’s not happening, it’s not the answer anyway.

So what is the answer to an imbalance of sexual experience?

Recognising that you’re very likely, most likely, experiencing a form of OCD.

You may have noticed other traits of perfectionism or needing things to feel right. Maybe in other relationships.

There’s specific and effective treatment for RJ OCD, to help bring down this reactivity to your thoughts and enjoy the good relationship you have.

Three words: exposure response prevention. ERP is the most effective therapy for treating retroactive jealousy OCD.

Natural and innate needs

Have compassion for yourself, and anyone struggling with these kinds of thinking traps.

We’re problem solvers and we have an innate need to feel secure and competent. RJ OCD comes along and hijacks this. It sends us down rabbit holes, self-sabotaging and hurtful to our partners. We can address this.

You’d like more sexual experiences – great. That’s healthy, natural. Get this sensitivity down about your partner’s past, and you’re better able to connect and have an awesome sexual relationship.

You can do this with therapy, and even with self-help options. And it starts with recognising that these thoughts are leading you down blind alleys.

See my other resources on treatment, ERP and working in tandem with your partner on this.

You probably don’t need to catch up, you probably don’t need a new relationship. But you may need a new relationship with your own thoughts. Now that sounds like a plan.