I talk with people battling with RJ, and I always ask: what have you tried so far? Has anything helped with these thoughts about your partner’s past?

And they often say “well, I’ve read a book about it…“

Ah excellent, what book did you read? They usually say “oh it was by Zachary Stockill – have you come across him?“

Or they say “it was a book by a therapist called Toby Ingham“.

Two very popular self-help books for retroactive jealousy. But are they any good? Here’s my review of them both.

Review of ‘Retroactive Jealousy, Making Sense Of It’ by Toby Ingham

Toby is a psychotherapist and counsellor with a psychoanalytical approach. He’s very much about the roots of retroactive jealousy, the underlying causes.

“We have developed RJ/OCD not because there is something wrong with us or our relationships but because of things that have happened to us.” – Toby Ingham

This isn’t about your partner, Toby says – and I can get on board with that.

The book is in three main sections:

Part 1 explains what retroactive jealousy is. Toby lists some of the experiences we might have had growing up that set us up for worries and unresolved feelings. Traumatic experiences too, and how we then start to project these worries into our relationships. It’s quite an analytical approach, like I say

Part 2 is about how to manage RJ. Toby says we need to stabilise ourselves and step back from all these thoughts about the past, before we can really understand our underlying causes.

He recommends techniques like focusing on our breathing and meditation apps, having personal mantras to link us to a calmer state of mind. Being careful around alcohol and drugs, which can actually ramp up retroactive jealousy (true that).

And remember: it’s not something wrong with you, but things that happened to you.

And, crucial for managing RJ, stop asking your partner about the past or trawling their social media. Stop doing these compulsions.

In part 3, Toby talks about how obsessional thinking and rituals develop. He touches on attachment theory: how having an emotionally absent mother or father, for example, can lead us to develop insecurities that eventually show up as RJ.

There’s a fair amount of theory, but Toby does repeatedly make the point that we need to do some cognitive work first (breathing, mindfulness, calming down) in order to really work on these fears and insecurities.

Towards the end, Toby makes the case for therapy and the best ways to work with a psychotherapist

There’s quite a lot in Retroactive Jealousy, Making Sense Of It. Recognising that we’re in a cycle of RJ OCD and realising that it’s a me thing. And it’s not my fault, or my partner’s fault.

There’s positive perspective in this book, absolutely.

It is a slightly clunky read and a bit repetitive. And I sense some readers will fall away in part 2, the managing RJ by not doing the compulsions section.

Putting the worries and thoughts about your partner’s past to one side, focusing on your breathing, meditating. Having established how all consuming RJ feels, I’m not sure these tips are going to cut it. Toby does mention that further CBT work might be necessary, to be fair.

But there are insights to be had. This book isn’t quite clear what to do with the insights, beyond working through them with a therapist.

But this is Toby’s approach and I respect that. For anyone considering his book, it has positive insights, some home truths, and you could do a lot worse.

Review of ‘Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy’ by Zachary Stockill

Zachary Stockill isn’t a therapist or a psychologist and he’s completely upfront about it. That’s no bad thing; a lot of therapists don’t really know what to do with retroactive jealousy. Or they only see it through a very specific lens.

Zachary has lived experience of RJ and he draws on it a lot in his book; that’s good, that makes it relatable. And he’s been writing and podcasting about RJ for over a decade now, sharing the message that you’re not alone with this thing and he’s proof it can be overcome.

In part 1, The Situation, Zachary describes the symptoms of RJ and suggests some potential causes: hormonal imbalances in the brain, trauma and past experiences of being betrayed.

He talks about a natural instinct to be jealous of other men and protective of our partners. And having our own insecurity, which we can work to understand and accept a bit more. I completely agree.

There’s a good section about getting clear on your current relationship and identifying whether your doubts are based on genuine red flags. Are you unhappy in the relationship, is there evidence of your partner cheating on you, or being reckless or dangerous to be with?

If so, it’s not about you sucking these things up. Move on, find a better match with someone else. I can’t argue with that either.

There are sections on shared values and remembering that people change. The past doesn’t leave the massive imprint that we think it does. And that our jealousy can be seen as a gift – an opportunity to grow and learn.

In part 2, The Solution, Zachary explains various practices we can incorporate into our daily lives to help us observe and live in the present: the way it is and not how we wish it to be.

This starts with recognition that we need to let go. Letting go of such a need for control, such fixed expectations, and the limitations of dwelling in the past. He gets quite philosophical and quotes authors and historical figures who reflected on these challenges in life. I like this a lot – it’s well researched.

Zachary walks us through some things we can do more of (setting our intentions, being mindful of our thoughts, living more healthily). And things to stop doing (putting our partner on a pedestal, asking our partner about their past).

There are exercises and small daily practices. Some of these (like listen to more upbeat music) come across as a bit fluffy, but I get his point. The focus is on developing ourselves and not fixating on our partner or their past. It’s all in the spirit of growth, optimism and being kinder to ourselves.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy reads really well. Zachary comes across with warmth and empathy. And it does feel like someone who finally had success getting unstuck sharing the ways they did it.

If I’m going to nitpick, some of the suggestions can be counter-productive to overcoming obsessive compulsive struggles. Zachary Stockill says that for the majority of people experiencing RJ, there’s some level of OCD going on.

So advice like creating new thoughts with positive affirmations and minimising exposure to your triggers could lead to more rituals and avoidance. That’s the problem with ‘techniques’. It’s not going to make matters worse, but it might not make things significantly better either.

There are ways to directly address retroactive jealousy – and work on ourselves in the process – without relying on techniques. But that’s the stuff of OCD therapy and I appreciate, Zachary Stockill isn’t in that world – he says so himself.

But I do like this book. And I can see it benefitting people, particularly those experiencing a more moderate form of retroactive jealousy.

For those that need more, the book is also a lead-in to Zachary’s online courses and I haven’t looked into those. Mainly because they cost hundreds of dollars to access.

Conclusion: do these retroactive jealousy self-help books help?

On the whole, my clients are saying yes.

It helped them understand that retroactive jealousy is a thing, a really common thing, and they felt much less alone. Both Zachary Stockill and Toby Ingham do a great job getting the word out.

Will the advice help people overcome RJ? Maybe not so much for the people talking to me – otherwise they wouldn’t be talking to me!

But I don’t hear from the people who did benefit. Those who read the book and followed the advice and did a lot better. And I’m sure they’re out there – if you’re one of them, do let me know in the comments.

These aren’t the only books about retroactive jealousy – they multiply by the day on Amazon. Some of them look a bit written by AI. But if you’ve read something that worked for you, do let me know in the comments – I’ll be all ears.

Good work, Toby and Zachary. And for anyone contemplating standing up to retroactive jealousy, I hope this was a helpful review.