When a client comes to me with intrusive thoughts about their partner’s past – AKA retroactive jealousy – they tell me things about their partner’s past.

Their partner’s body count, for example. Or a specific sexual thing their partner did. Casual, hookup-type things, very often.

Sometimes, I hear it and I think: yes, I can totally see why that’s… difficult.

David: she was on Tinder a lot

It was difficult for David. He met a girl on Tinder and what started out as casual fling turned into a full-blown relationship. It’s nice when that happens.

But six months in, David can’t stop thinking about her Tinder past.

“She was on it a LOT”, he said. “Her body count is higher than mine.” I could see how much this was stressing him out.

“She’s an amazing girl and it shouldn’t matter… she’s been completely honest with me and obviously, I was on Tinder too. But… she’s way ahead of me. I don’t think I can do this. It’s on my mind all the time.”

David isn’t judging her, but this imbalance of experience gives him the doubts. He wishes it was the other way round.

Rightly or wrongly, I think most guys would.

Katie: I can’t compete with his past

Then there’s Katie, who came to see me about her boyfriend.

“He’s just lovely,” she said. “He’s good-looking, he’s thoughtful, he’s funny…”

What’s not to like?

“Well that’s the problem,” Katie sighed. “Other women like him too. He’s had countless girlfriends and flings over the years. Literally countless – he can’t tell me how many.”

Katie paused. “To be fair to him, none of this is in the two years we’ve been together. But knowing there were all these girls makes me insecure. He’s like a magnet for female attention… he’s always getting looks when we’re out.”

Again, he’s done nothing wrong. Katie’s boyfriend is just being himself. But it plays on her mind, of course it does.

The habits we develop

When these thoughts feel too difficult, David and Katie ask their partners for assurance. It feels like the natural thing to do.

And they’ve developed habits. David finds himself swiping through Tinder to make sure his girlfriend doesn’t come up, then he feels bad for not trusting. And for secretly swiping through Tinder.

Katie keeps notes on her boyfriend’s past. Every girl she’s asked him about, how did he know her, how long ago… she feels safer somehow, keeping it all logged. But she knows it’s not healthy.

And they both spend a lot of time having these doubts.

David wonders whether he should have more Tinder experience, and then he’d level up. Katie wonders whether she’ll always have to be vigilant for other girls, always feeling on edge and turning to her notes.

Is this jealousy – or a real concern?

Are David and Katie having retroactive jealousy doubts, or are these reasonable concerns given their situations?

In other words, is it a me thing that they can work on, or are they with partners whose pasts are always going to be difficult for as long as they stay with them?

The devil is in the detail. But not the detail of what David’s girlfriend did on Tinder, or how many girls Katie’s boyfriend slept with.

That’s what David and Katie ruminate on. But it’s not resolving anything, it just feeds the doubts. It’s difficult not to go there, I know.

Here’s what’s more useful: the detail driving our doubts.

What’s the ‘what if’, perhaps, maybe that feels so problematic or threatening?

When David’s secretly checking on Tinder, it seems obvious: what if she’s still on here? If she’s still active on Tinder, that’s a deal-breaker.

When he’s thinking about her body count, David said the doubt is more like what if she was too promiscuous?. And what if she’s had better than me? Her past feels like a hard act to follow.

I asked Katie about her doubt, when she’s going through her notes or interrogating her boyfriend about a girl.

“Well it’s what if he still likes her? I guess. What if he’s still having conversations with her? What if I’m going to get hurt here?“

Now we have something we can work with.

What would need to be true?

Once we’ve identified the ‘what if’, I have a follow-up question.

David, on what basis might your girlfriend have had better than you on Tinder?

“Well, there are all those gym bros and athlete-types on there” he says, “so it’s possible”. It is.

Is there any evidence that it’s true? Have you walked into the room and seen her quickly shut down Tinder? “No.”

Have you overheard a conversation with her friends where she said ‘David’s alright but I wish he was that guy I met on Tinder five years ago…?’ “No.”

Has she ever turned around during sex and said ‘David, a bit of feedback for you… can you do this a bit better, more like the other men on Tinder?’ “No – ouch that’s brutal!” laughs David.

Yes it is, but it would make the doubt a reasonable doubt to act on.

See what’s going on here? It’s what retroactive jealousy does: promoting a possibility to a reality in our minds.

It rides on the back of a natural feeling (hmm my partner has done more than I have) and makes our ‘what if’ so real that we need to check, ask, overthink.

Yes, that’s a natural feeling. But with the ‘on what basis would these doubts be true?‘ question, we’re establishing what needs to be true or happening to make the doubt reasonable.

And usually, we need to get creative and far-fetched to achieve this.

Katie, on what basis might your boyfriend still be having conversations with these girls, or preferring them?

“Well, I’ve been cheated on before”, she says. “I got hurt before.”

So quite naturally, you don’t want to get hurt again.

“Yes and he has slept with a lot of women. It’s possible that any of this could happen.” It is – it’s possible.

And on what basis would it be true or happening?

Have you walked in on him talking to another girl? Katie thinks for a moment. “No.”

Has he expressed a preference for another girl, from his past maybe? “No, but he wouldn’t do that!”

Again, a natural feeling (my partner has slept with lots of girls). And she’s been hurt before. This promotes a possibility (he could cheat on me) to a doubt that feels urgent. I need to do something: ask, make sure, check my notes.

David and Katie are having natural feelings that most of us can relate to. And that’s how retroactive jealousy finds an in.

When David and Katie looked for actual evidence – not possibilities, but evidence – they noticed something:

To make the doubt worthy of their attention and reaction, they had to get creative.

The gap between what feels urgent and what’s actually happening? That’s worth noticing.

Reflection, not rumination

I know that when we’re ruminating, we get caught in this back-and-forth. ‘It’s OK, it’s not true!‘ and ‘yeah but what if it is?‘

And I’m not suggesting we do more of that.

But when we calmly reflect as part of therapy or self-help, seeing the gap can be helpful.

It can help us put these doubts in their place: possibilities that are getting promoted to realities by a creative imagination.

We can’t forget all about our partner’s past and we shouldn’t put blinkers on. If there is evidence that our doubts are coming true, we should act accordingly of course. But if it’s merely possible?

With no evidence to the contrary, we can feel more secure in ourselves: my partner clearly chooses me over their past partners.

When retroactive jealousy doesn’t find an in, we can trust this reality.

It takes a healthy sense of self to be with someone with a past. It’s true. And we’re all a work in progress in that department.

For good relationships with positive potential – like David and Katie’s – it’s worth it.

The fact that you’re reading this suggests it’s worth it for your relationship too. I hope this is helpful.