People who struggle with retroactive jealousy often say: in my next relationship, I’ll handle it differently.

Dan was struggling when he first got in touch with me. He’d been asking his girlfriend about her past a lot and it was causing massive problems.

We had a chat, and then he went quiet – which happens sometimes.

Especially when the relationship ends and people want to move on and put the whole thing behind them. And that was the case for Dan.

Then, eight months later, he got back in touch. He’d met someone new. He was excited about her, things were going well.

And he had a plan to do it differently this time.

Let’s just focus on us

He and his new girlfriend had agreed: neither of them would ask about past relationships. No questions, no details, none of those conversations. A fresh start.

It was Dan’s idea, and he’d managed to pitch it in quite a romantic way. Let’s just focus on us. She’d gone along with it.

“It works both ways,” he said to me. “She doesn’t have to hear about my past either. It’s fair.”

I nodded. “err… yes.”

Never tell the client what to do. So I didn’t.

And Dan’s plan makes a certain kind of sense. He’s found the past triggering before. He knows more information doesn’t resolve his doubts – it feeds them. So he’s cutting off the supply.

No information, no problem.

Except… I’m not sure it works like that.

The fairness trap

It’s an agreement, but dressing it up as fairness is a common OCD trick.

“It’s only fair.” “I’m respecting her privacy.”

All true and reasonable-sounding. But all in service of avoidance.

Avoiding retroactive jealousy triggers and conversations isn’t necessarily wrong.

In fact, when I work with couples on this, I suggest they agree to put talk about the past on hold while we do the deeper work.

But that’s a temporary measure, with both partners understanding why – and with therapy work happening alongside it. It can help save the relationship.

What Dan’s done is different. He’s trying keep triggers permanently at bay.

The past has other ideas

She’ll mention that she went canoeing in Croatia once. Her family will get old photos out when you visit. Her best mate will visit and innocently say “oh do you remember that guy… oops sorry!”

Your partner might even, accidentally, call you by the wrong name one day.

The past comes up. It always does.

And when it does – if Dan has spent months not building any tolerance, not working on his side of things – it’s going to hit him hard. With no tools to hand. Probably at the worst possible moment.

The special effects department

Here’s the other problem with let’s never go there: the imagination goes there anyway.

Most people I work with experience mental images of their partner’s past. Mental movies – vivid, detailed, pornographic sometimes. The special effects of the mind, with maximum emotional impact.

Without any real information, I’m pretty sure Dan’s mind will fill the gap. And what it fills it with will probably be more troubling than reality.

The real worry

I asked Dan: what’s the actual fear underneath all this? If she did tell you something – what’s the worry?

He thought about it. “Two things”, he said.

One: “what if she downplays it? What if she makes it sound less than it was, and I sense that?“

Two: (and his face went very serious when he said this) “what if it was exactly how I imagine it? I would hate that.“

What he’s describing isn’t really a fear of information. It’s a fear that his imagination is accurate. That the mental movie is actually the truth.

And that’s at the core of what we’re dealing with in retroactive jealousy.

Not the facts of the past, even thought we’d rather not hear them. But what those facts are made to mean – and the vivid, relentless way the mind keeps presenting them.

Total transparency: also a compulsion

Some people take the opposite approach. Rather than locking the past down, they ask for total transparency upfront.

Tell me everything now, please. I’ll take the hit all at once.

The instinct isn’t entirely wrong – facing things is generally better than running away from them.

But this is compulsive behaviour too.

No matter how much the partner shares, it won’t do the trick. And it’ll give the imagination lots to work with. More scenes to replay, more questions springing up.

OK, I know that. But what about this? And this?

No amount of information satisfies retroactive jealousy doubts for good. That’s why they are obsessional doubts.

So what should Dan actually do?

Starting to really work on RJ when a relationship is still new can actually be an advantage. The patterns haven’t entrenched yet.

So that means therapy or self-help. Not agreeing never to talk or ask about it.

Yes there can be some agreement not to discuss the past, as long as both partners understand why. Not as a permanent fix, but as a temporary measure with a clear purpose. So maybe Dan and his girlfriend can adapt the plan.

He had a good question for me though.

“So how much should I tell her, about why we’re doing this? I don’t want to put up a massive red flag…”

I get it. She doesn’t need his full psychological history.

“Be honest and keep it brief”, I said. “I’ve struggled in the past with intrusive thoughts about partners’ histories – it’s a me thing and something I’m working on.”

Enough that she understands if he seems a bit off sometimes. Not so much that managing his retroactive jealousy becomes her job.

The only real protection

The goal is to get to a place where those past references don’t carry the same charge.

Where a name, a past holiday, or an old photo, or her calling you Theo by mistake – is just that. Just a moment.

We’re not supposed to enjoy being reminded of our partner’s sexual past. TMI sometimes. But it’s not triggering when we’ve addressed our doubts and fears.

That’s the goal of therapy. Because no agreement, however well-intentioned, however fair it sounds, gets you there in the long-term. Or even the mid-term.

Dan knew this, really. That’s why he messaged me again. The plan felt good. But something told him it wasn’t going to be enough.

He was right – it was a good place to start.