Retroactive jealousy and sexual frustration are often connected. Of course they are.

Let’s say I’m on holiday or a weekend away with my partner, and I’ve been looking forward to all the sex we’re going to have. But she’s not really up for it.

Amidst the disappointment, I might find myself thinking: I bet you were up for it before.

It’s difficult not to take it personally. The feelings of rejection and resentment can manifest as retroactive jealousy.

But here’s the thing – I also hear the opposite.

Clients say to me: our sex life has never been better. We really connect. She tells me I’m the best lover she ever had. And I believe it, I feel it when we’re together…

And in the same breath: but I can’t stop thinking about her past. Even during sex, as good as it is.

The paradox of great sex and retroactive jealousy

If retroactive jealousy was just about sexual frustration or feeling rejected, maybe great sex would fix it.

But it doesn’t. Sometimes, it makes matters worse.

A couple of examples from clients:

“She told me she really enjoys something specific in bed. And I like hearing that but I wonder… how did she know she enjoys that so much? Who did she discover that with?”

“He told me he’s never had such an intense sexual connection before. And I want to believe it. But did he say that to someone else before me?”

Maybe you’re not asking those questions. But after sex, when it’s been really good, you lie there and the thoughts come in anyway.

How did it compare? Was it different with… in what way…?

Great intimacy, a real moment of connection, and retroactive jealousy reaches in and says ‘no, no afterglow for you… what about those that came before you?’

Sexual confidence and the comparison trap

Well, obsessional doubt isn’t picky. It’ll use whatever’s available: bad experiences, good experiences, neutral ones.

Retroactive jealousy doesn’t need a problem to attach itself to.

It just needs something meaningful to you. And sex with your partner is exactly that.

But there’s often something else going on too. And I think it’s our own sexual narrative.

We’re not just having sex – we’re monitoring it, spectating ourselves.

Am I good enough? Are they really into me – or into the idea of me?

This is what clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr David Schnarch calls “a reflected sense of self”.

In other words, needing your partner’s response to tell you who you are. Needing sex to confirm that you’re good enough, desirable enough, not outclassed by someone else.

And it feels like great sex should give us the confirmation, the validation we need. But it doesn’t.

Ultimately it just raises new questions.

Yes she wants me, but did she want them more? Did she do that more? This is good but was there better?

These thoughts don’t feel very validating. Quite the opposite.

Building a more solid sense of self

The question ‘am I as good as the ex?’ isn’t a question about the ex. It’s a question about you.

So the work, in therapy or self-help, is building a more solid, internal sense of self.

Knowing you’re enough not because your partner confirms it, not because sex is consistently good, but because you’ve confronted that doubt. And stopped outsourcing the answer.

That’s not a quick fix, and I don’t pretend it is. But it’s what we need to work on.

In the meantime, when you’re lying there with your partner in the afterglow and the thoughts creep in, notice what’s happening.

Retroactive jealousy is telling you to start questioning something real, sensed, knowable. The doubt wants you to disregard all that, and get going on some imagined comparison.

A question worth asking is – why would you? That’s where the work starts.

I hope this is helpful.