We have a saying in couples therapy: it’s not what you do, but what you do afterwards.

And if we struggle with retroactive jealousy – obsessional thoughts about our partner’s past – this is very relevant. RJ can have us crossing red lines and boundaries over and over again.

“It seemed a good idea at the time”

When Andy reached out to me, he was in a bad way.

“I’ve really done it this time”, he said. “It’s over. I don’t think she’s ever going to forgive me.”

He’d been with his girlfriend Sarah for two years, and always struggled with thoughts about her sexual history.

Her past was quite different to his. She’d had an on-off thing with a guy who sounded like a complete nightmare. Andy could never understand why she was so into him.

He’d once half-joked that “the sex must have been amazing” and something about the way she giggled at that stuck in his mind. And then the mental images came along, of all the different ways she’d had amazing sex with this guy.

Anyway. “What did you do?” I asked.

“We were at a BBQ with her family; they’re all good people. And I was talking with her brother who I know quite well, and I’d had a couple of beers, and I found myself asking him whether he’d ever met this guy from her past.”

“Her brother said no, he didn’t really know about him so I… filled him in. And I got a bit carried away, and found myself mentioning all the sex they must have had…”

“And what was her brother like with that?” I asked.

“Well that’s the thing”, Andy said. “He didn’t say much but then word got back to Sarah that I’d been talking openly about her sex life at a family BBQ. Her parents got wind of it, and she’s furious with me. She said no partner would tolerate that. She called me an insecure shit-stirrer.”

Andy looked upset. “I can see her point”, he said. “But she doesn’t get my side. I told her, I wasn’t deliberately trying to upset her or her family. I was just trying to make sense of it again, and I thought her brother might have some insights. It just seemed to make sense at the time.”

Crossing the line

For what it’s worth, I can see where Sarah is coming from. Just as I can with any partner who’s been on the receiving end of intrusive retroactive jealousy behaviours.

When details of their private past have been aired in front of family or friends. When their phone has been gone through. When they’ve been asked, challenged, questioned yet again. Boundaries of respect being broken, over and over again.

And what happens afterwards? The partner who’s struggling with retroactive jealousy says “sorry, I know it was wrong, but don’t you see what your past does to me?”

That might be the deal-breaker.

I can see where Andy is coming from too. I can see where that urge to talk to her brother about that guy came from.

It was a compulsion; an attempt to heal or resolve something that feels horribly stuck in his mind. It made sense at the time.

We’re not making excuses for Andy here, and it’s up to his girlfriend how she handles it.

But Andy’s take on it is quite compulsive too.

He’s apologised, but he’s pushing on ‘why don’t you get it?’. Almost ‘it’s not my fault, my RJ made me do it – and that’s because of you’. That’s how Sarah is hearing it anyway.

I asked him, “Andy, what are you hoping might happen with this now?”

“Well, I want us to be able to move on, for her to forgive me. But if she’d help me understand what she was doing with that guy in the first place, well these situations wouldn’t happen. I wouldn’t feel the urge to do these things. If only she’d see that…”

There’s the compulsive need. Sarah can’t give him that resolution because it’s an obsessional doubt, it’s made in his mind.

They’ve been through it so many times, talking, explaining and trying to shut it down. Now he’s been through it with her brother too. It’s not on Sarah or anyone else to resolve.

More than an apology

We should apologise for our retroactive jealousy misdemeanours. But it needs more than that.

It helps for partners to know that we’re struggling with a form of obsessional doubt or moral perfectionism. We’re not doing it to hurt them, and we can see the hurt we’re causing.

If partners can see it in that context, they can be more supportive – but supportive in the right way; not feeding the obsession with more answers or info. See my tips for how partners can work together on this.

But ultimately, the onus is on the person with retroactive jealousy to actively do something about it. On their own initiative.

Talking with a therapist, or self-help that isn’t just trying not to let the past bother them.

And that means giving space to their partner too. Recognising that malicious or not, these behaviours are still deeply hurtful.

Andy could see this himself, and he reached out to a therapist – me. We’re continuing to talk and it’s a work in progress, but things are looking up for them as a couple.

He’s giving Sarah more space and he’s encouraged her to get some support of her own.

Getting ahead of the urge

If you’re in a situation like Andy’s, it’s not all about what you do afterwards.

Of course, we’re going to work on not doing the thing – the asking, the digging, the oversharing – that feels like a good idea or necessary thing to do.

A good starting point in therapy is filling in some blanks.

If I don’t ask about or ever fully know my partner’s sexual past, what do I worry will happen or what do I worry that will mean?

How does that make me feel?

We’re going upstream from the urge a bit there: what’s the worry that makes all of this so sticky and persistent? To stop doing it, we need to understand where the urge is coming from.

And when we have acted on the urge, we need to take ownership of it beyond apologising and giving space.

Sometimes people struggling with retroactive jealousy get into quite a confused place.

They’ve done or said the thing, they feel bad for doing it. But they’ve got the reaction or reassurance they needed. They’re ready to move on – ‘hey I’m sorry, it was my RJ, can’t we just drop it now?’.

But their partner probably isn’t so ready.

We need to be working on all this, on our own initiative. Or RJ urges will just keep getting the better of us.

The bottom line

If we have obsessive-compulsive or perfectionist traits, being in an intimate relationship with someone who has a past can be extremely challenging.

The uncomfortable yet unchangeable past is catnip for us overthinkers.

We need to have compassion for ourselves here. And compassion for our partners too.

From working with clients and couples, I’ve seen that sometimes, a compulsion that crosses the line can be the catalyst for change.

For seeking therapy, reaching out, doing something constructive about this problem.

It has to be, really, for the sake of the relationship and both people in it. I hope this is helpful.