So… two men are sitting in the pub. They’re a few pints in.

One of them seems a bit quiet, distracted. So his friend asks him what’s wrong.

“It’s not that stuff about your wife’s past again, is it?”

“Yeah, I know…” the man replies. “I just can’t seem to pull my head out of it. I just hate… knowing about it.”

“Mate, it’s in the past. She hasn’t slept with anyone since, has she? I mean, apart from you?”

The worried man shakes his head.

“So don’t even think about it!” says his friend. “I don’t think about my wife’s past, why do it to yourself?”

The worried man looks at his pint.

“Look”, his friend says, “I get it. I’ve thought about my wife’s past sometimes, more so when we first got together if she mentioned an ex or something. And it’s not a nice thought – my wife with other men, all before me. But there’s no need to go there.”

They go quiet for a moment.

The worried man says “I don’t know how you can be so laid back about it. How do you just not go there? Especially the casual stuff. That plays on my mind a lot…”

Two men, two thinking styles

So quite different experiences there, in the pub.

And there’s the question I’m asked as a therapist: what IS the difference?

Why are some men OK with their wife or girlfriend’s past? But some men – and some women too – are driven nuts by it.

They can’t stop going there. They have what we call retroactive jealousy.

But why? Is the devil in the detail? Numbers, ‘body count’, whether the sex was casual or in a proper relationship? Or is it… the sort of other men our partners went with?

Is it how our partner feels about their past? If they don’t regret it or they seem to be completely not bothered about it?

From the conversations I have with people struggling with retroactive jealousy – yes all these factors come up.

BUT I’m here to tell you: it’s not about what our partner did before us.

It’s not the body count, the circumstances or even the things they did. Even if that’s exactly what our mind has locked onto.

The friend in the pub is right: it’s natural to not enjoy thinking about our partner’s sexual past. But when it turns into obsession – that’s a me thing. And that’s why we feel so horribly stuck with it.

When I have a therapy session with someone like the worried man in the pub, I don’t just say this is a you thing..!

Because it’s different for everyone and there are complicating factors. Things that have been said or done by both partners that haven’t helped.

But it gets realised as we work through therapy. There’s something in our thinking process that’s keeping us stuck with all this stuff about our partner’s past.

Back in the pub, the landlord has called last orders. Probably for the best…

But our man is still thinking about it. He desperately wishes he could be more like his mate and just let it go. He can’t really imagine leaving his wife over this, but sometimes he feels so stuck with the thoughts, he considers it.

The good news (if I could let him know it): he isn’t stuck like this.

Interrupting the story

In therapy, we’d shine a light on this thinking process. What leads us from a detail about our partner’s sexual past down into a hole of despair or disgust? That we can’t seem to get out of, or stay out of?

Here’s roughly how that conversation might go.

It starts with: what’s the outcome or situation you don’t want to find yourself in? Now or in the future?

Our man might say “well it’s not really now… our relationship is all good. But it’s this past stuff…”

But let’s get back to the present: what do you not want, or not want to be true, now?

“Well, I don’t want to be stuck with these thoughts about her past now…”

“Absolutely – that would suck”, I might say. “So what’s the connection there? What’s the worry or doubt that leads to that outcome?”

We’d see what comes up. Maybe he’ll say “well what if we’re just too different – or into different things?”. Or “what if she never sees it the way I do? What if our values are too different?”

Or he might say “what if this devalues her? I thought she was different in a good way and that’s spoiled now. I thought she was more like me, or how I wanted her to be? But for what? Maybe I’ve been cheated, misled, missed out myself…?”

Whatever his reasoning might be, we’ll start to hear the story of how he got boxed into a corner by his own mind. And why to him, her past feels like it matters so much.

Next time he catches himself deep in the details, I’d have him step back and see if he can notice that story spinning up again. A thought, a trigger, a reminder… that leads him down into rumination again.

Just see how it’s not her, it’s not her past. It’s the story, the narrative he’s got going on.

Breaking the link

I won’t ask him to argue with the story, or to tell himself a more positive one. Just slow down, take a breath and notice the connections his mind is making from past to present.

Connections that have become so streamlined, and so convincing.

When we get better at recognising the reasoning process, we can interrupt it. We can stay out of the story and be more present.

It takes a bit of work to break the habit, but it’s a better option than trying to change the past, or change a relationship that doesn’t actually need changing.

Our man can be more like his mate in the pub. Because he said it really: I don’t like thinking about it, but I also don’t need to in order to embrace my relationship and my wife.

He’s got it. There’s nothing to resolve or figure out. Everything he needs is right here, in the present.

The past hasn’t got a hold on you. But maybe the story has. And that’s something you can work with.